She'd make a great used car saleswoman. "Don't believe anything she says and only half of what she does." She's got you wrapped around her little finger.
Perhaps. But she has said that before. She just hadn't acted on this until she could no longer hope for a better husband. She said that she was so done with me and just waiting for the right moment to leave until I changed. She got curious. Like she was cold and almost mean at times early on during this past month. But she was also openly depressed.
The polyamory makes it more complicated to heal because that needs to be communicated and negotiated. Honestly, I don't know how serious she is when she says these things as what she wants for the future. Our sex live was bland and non exciting. That is on my insecurity and failure to talk to her about it. But I have also shown a more wilder side when it comes to that. It feels she is also testing me. Remember, I have been fighting in wrong ways (saying mean things, threatening that she wouldn't get anything if we would break up/divorce, it was pure frustration on my part and I haven't really shown that side during the past month...but she is worried I am acting) and she has felt trapped. She had been talking to this guy for months before anything even happened (I know...because she doesn't drive and we work at the same place...when she started hanging out with him is when I noticed). She also wants to do her PhD in another state and has felt I wasn't serious about going with her. She also seems to clearly have felt I got complacent about my career. And truth is I had been worried about how we were doing for years myself. And that consumed my time. Instead of talking to her about it I remained silent.
She hasn't promised that it will work out and in fact has said it probably won't but she has changed what she is committed to doing (from leaving and only considering counseling to help ME cope her leaving to HER also thinking about if it can be saved. I suggested a therapist for today and she immediately said that the one I showed her seemed to only be an intern with little experience...if she is stalling that is possible but she stuck it out with me for years and by her wanting a more experienced therapist that only makes it potentially a better situation.) She had several opportunities to just end it. Her actions validate what she said. But I am not blind. Obviously I am working on trusting her again. But if I don't trust her I ruin every chance we have to make it work. If she is spending more and more time with him than that will be obvious because when she did I got suspicious. She started being slowly more intimate when she saw me make changes and had sex with me before I knew there was an affair. I just got suspicious about that behavior when I found out and asked her (which is one of those impulses I need to control) I have got to also trust my gut in this.
Yes I am not blind. But I am trying to follow the rules as much as possible with also doing the 180s to be a change from what I did in the past. But every time we hung out it has been initiated by her and there have been times when I said I am doing something else. That is when she got curious again. She said it was nice I was asking her questions during our date. She said we never did that. (We did rush into things and our age difference her being 20, me being 30 but HIGHLY inexperienced in terms of what a relationship needs to work and we got into a routine that led to complacency.)
Remember. She had been hurt for years and I have only begun to address some of these problems authentically for a month. And when I discovered the affair it might have been a set back in our healing. I have also been not as solid in my approach because the affair had to be discussed and SHE brings it up a lot. SHE has been very open about it. So that is heavy and not always fun so since she doesn't have many friends to hang out with she is happy to go to a bar with him. He sends her constant dumb gifs and jokes. She says when she is with him he doesn't expect anything from her. And of course she knows I want US to work and she isn't quite there yet to fall back to that lovey-dovey marriage.
Am I completely okay with her seeing him? Not entirely, because I am worried that it will make her not work on it with me...and because he works so much and late hours...he offers kind of a mystery (but it has bugged her that she has to wait hours for him to show up and she said if I was dating him that would be the end of it but as a friend I accept it). But given the flaws I had that I am working on and the fact that I don't want her to feel pressured to make a choice (the begging, pleading and asking about where we stand, the saying ILY etc). If I need to trust only half of her actions...would it be possible that the nice ones are all fake? Maybe. Or that all the "I want to spend time with OM and do something fun" be fake. Or a little of both (probably, because she IS confused). I am not really off in my own little world all the time (my friends have said that, her friends have mentioned it), I have given her more compliments, I am not on my phone when we hang out (in fact she has done that for years and she realized she had begun to do what she blamed me), I have not been this insane crazy guy watching sports and yelling at tv (triggering her dad's emotional and physical abuse for when he did that and got violent), I am suddenly showing an interest in cooking and not giving into me fear and anxiety. She has said things she need to work on (so don't believe that right?) but when she follows up on those things (believe half of her actions) than I cannot help but trust the process. Unless she is acting and IS AWARE of the rules posted on this forum and is manipulating me. I don't think she is. She is no longer in her bedroom with the door closed. She wants to increasingly spend more time. But she also says she cannot go from 0 to 100. And that's wise. Everything that has been happening is discussed in Michele's work.
Finally, she had told OM that we were completely done. She was sick in her stomach when we were in the same house (that was painful to read and of course I was emotional when I told her about feeling that way). He had said it was okay that she would be intimate with me and that she would probably get back with me. He had been very much acting like her friend and doesn't force her to do anything. Now she lied about it when I asked if there was someone else (don't believe her words) but her actions also validated guilt (she was sad, she was depressed, she felt guilty). She had created this evil image of me. But she also slowly acted more intimate and caring towards me. So she also told me that she doesn't just want to leave him hanging because he was there for her before anything physical even happened. She has been very open about what they talk about. She doesn't show me the messages but again it's the actions that show something possible.
One final example before I stop this novel... (sorry I write a lot... but it also helps me process). She had always wanted to get annual passes for a park and on Friday she shared the link so I said let's do it. She then said she doesn't want to rush into that because she is worried I will bring it up in the next fight. And how she doesn't know if right now we should add this. But in the past I did blame her for the things I told her outside of fights I do because I care for her. So I caused hurt which led to resentment/anger. I cannot take that away from her other than through my actions. Right? She also is finally hearing from me that perhaps ADD did play a role (I was anxious often and followed my first impulse...but I denied that it played a role when she asked. She doesn't just automatically now want to believe that when I say that it was my ADD after all..or it might.). I was also worried about not being able to surprise her whereas she wanted to be surprised.
