A random punishment, like undoing something you were already doing is very punitive. And in the grand scheme of things, it is very easy to give her money that way and you aren't going above and beyond to make that happen.
So when you become very punitive to punish, what is she going to do? Tell you the shoes you bought your son weren't the right ones. She is going to be nit picky right back atcha. And those are childish games, nobody benefits, and it expends more energy than it's worth. My ex and I did it for a while. And one day I decided "enough". And he did follow my lead. And we live in peace now.
When you start to care less about how your actions and decisions impact her life, and more about how they impact yours, you will find greater peace. That's how it happened for me. I used to make too many decisions based upon if I was "condoning his choices" and I would always want to punish him somehow. Then after a good hammering with 2x4's from here, I realized I was hurting no one but myself and sometimes my daughter. Now, If it something that benefits her, it gets done. I don't give a crap about what affect it has on him.
The truth is, they usually follow you lead unless they really are a raging narcissist. I am sure we all call our ex's narcisissts, and to some degree they are, but few are really that bad. But the more peace you put out there, the more will come in return. You will work better together. but inconsistencies such as just stopping the bank transfer for no good reason, is childish behavior. And it will only breed more childish behavior from her. It will NEVER get a positive response.
It took time for me to get it, I know it will take time for you. But you'll get there.
