So today when I dropped my d off. I calmly told her that I am emotionally spent. And I will not put 150% in this unless she is willing. I told her my rules for this separation and when she is ready to follow them we can then start the process of healing our family. But I told her I am not going to give her emotional support when she is lonely and wants someone to talk to as long as she spends anytime with another man. And now I feel amazing cuz I am free from this. I have forgiven her and won't allow her to cause me anymore pain.
And today is the first day I have felt like I wanna go do something for me. So I am gal and heading to a car show
Sorry you are here buddy. Finding out your W has had an A is a real kick in the gut. First of all, don't believe that it was only 1 time. Only time will tell if it was more than that. Your W appears to be feeling real remorse for what she did but that doesn't mean its time to start reconciling. Give it time. Lots of time. Let her sit in the mess she created. She's got to see that her choices has caused her to lose you. Let her work to earn her place back in the M. Be careful of laying out "rules." You can't come across as controlling. Detach, 180 and GAL like you are doing. Let her make the moves to begin reconciling. GO SLOW. Although they don't excuse her actions, you have admitted to many things that she has been unhappy about. Work on those things. Become the best version of you that you have ever been. Let her see what she is giving up. Be an awesome Dad.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
So today when I dropped my d off. I calmly told her that I am emotionally spent. And I will not put 150% in this unless she is willing. I told her my rules for this separation and when she is ready to follow them we can then start the process of healing our family. But I told her I am not going to give her emotional support when she is lonely and wants someone to talk to as long as she spends anytime with another man. And now I feel amazing cuz I am free from this. I have forgiven her and won't allow her to cause me anymore pain.
And today is the first day I have felt like I wanna go do something for me. So I am gal and heading to a car show
Brother, there will be more pain. There is no way around it. There will be good days but there will also be bad. I am sorry you are here. These things are not fun. You've found a great place that can help you and give you support.
Don't assume anything right now. Don't believe what she is telling you. Always trust your gut on any of this stuff. Don't set hard rules unless you are 100% sure you will follow them when the time comes. Learn about boundaries and how you can enforce them and how they are only about you.
What you are doing with your hard and fast rules is trying to control her. It will not work. You need to focus on yourself. What were your flaws in this. What do you need to fix. How can you become a better man. Here's a spoiler, but DB has nothing to do with your W. it's all to do with you. Fix you and if she sees that fixed man and comes back all the better. But if she does not then you are prepared to move on in life and thrive. Do not try to control her.
What are you doing for yourself? How are you fixing you? The emotional rollercoaster will continue, even if you think it's done. Be prepared for it, process it, then let it go. It's the only way to smooth out the peaks and troughs. And one of the most important things is to exercise. This is your lifeline throughout all of this. Run, lift, get outside. It doesn't matter. Burn the negative energy off and the added benefit is that it'll help you sleep.
Stay strong and bring the focus inwards. You can only control you. Everyone is here to help you through this. Hang in there.
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
She states that it has only happened one time she went out and had to much to drink and slept with one of her customers from work.
I don't know if I want to move past this, granted we were are separated and not together. But man does it hurt so bad Do people ever move on in a relationship after something like this happens. YES...listen to a TED talk by Esther Perel on this exact topic.
We talked for about two hours after I found all this out and it was very emotional for both of us. I just don't know what to do any advice from you guys would be great
Hang in there. More later
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
So today when I dropped my d off. I calmly told her that I am emotionally spent. And I will not put 150% in this unless she is willing. I told her my rules for this separation Um, sorry but telling her your rules is not going to get you closer to your goal. You are rushing this b/c you think it'll get you out of your pain faster. It won't.
Giving her ultimatums is really not constructive at this point. Truly, please hire a DB coach or at least read the DB books
Have you read either of them?
and when she is ready to follow them we can then start the process of healing our family. you need to read a DB book asap. How'd you guys recover after the sexting you did with the OW a few years back?
But I told her I am not going to give her emotional support when she is lonely and wants someone to talk to as long as she spends anytime with another man. And now I feel amazing cuz I am free from this. I have forgiven her and won't allow her to cause me anymore pain. really? I don't mean to sound brusque but I simply do not believe your pain is over for good.
But I'm intrigued about your previous comment that you often asked yourself if you felt like staying in the m. What was that about? Did you actually want something like this to happen?
And today is the first day I have felt like I wanna go do something for me. So I am gal and heading to a car show
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I guess I shouldn't say rules that was probably a poor choice of words to use here. I told her that I won't put effort into seeing if this will work. If there is another person also in the relationship. And I won't I'm to spent on this to give her the satisfaction of getting away to something new and having me as a back up plan.
On when I cheated ny sexting someone else. Well I don't know if we ever dealt with it. When she found out she went and spent the night at her dads. The next day she told me no contact with other person ever again. I knew I messed up and was willing to try and be a better husband I quit my job(was a coworker that I was texting). And let her know that she could look thru my phone at any point. And she and I talked and I admitted everything that I had said and we talked thru it.
And I really fear that this has been going on for quite sometime. She says that she told him no more and she won't do it again. But tonight she is out with "friends". She also doesn't see it as wrong what she did. She said we were separated and she didn't think it was that big of a deal. It was to me. And I am heart broken. I guess I should say too that I found out by going thru her phone. Big mistake on my part cuz I should have let her tell me in her own time.
I have come to the conclusion that our marriage can't be saved. There is just to much pain on both are parts. So I am going dark other than issues with kids. I'm going to join the gym again and get back out there. Once the dust has settled I will have the divorce talk with her and move it all forward
I have come to the conclusion that our marriage can't be saved.
Slow down. Its much too early to make that decision. You are of course free to make that decision if cheating is an absolute deal breaker for you. But most M's can come back from this IF both parties are willing to do the hard, hard work.
My advice to you would be to take it slow and not make any decisions right now. Detach and go dark and spend some serious time working on you. You appear to be ready to do that so knock it out of the park and let things chill for a while. D doesn't make the pain go away.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
Don't give up yet. Your still very early in this process. This isn't even enough time to reestablish the trust you both need. This process can take months or even up to a year. It took awhile for you MR to get to this point, so its going to take awhile to keep back on track.
