the L your h hired & who emailed you for info, she MIGHT be churning fees to "confirm/verify" the identity of your L.
Or there's a legit reason to confirm, like she thinks your h is flaky, disorganized, etc.
Or she has to hear it from you, with local customs in place, etc.
I doubt that in this particular sitch, your h is playing a game on purpose.
Thanks, 25. It's just so bizarre to me. I don't think there are any rules about confirming. I hadn't thought of the flaky/unreliable thing but maybe that's it. H was in some sort of a fog where rationality seemed to be far from him, so maybe that's continued and his L picked up on it.
The other thing is that H didn't seem to truly believe anything I did, including signing a lease for an apartment, moving, not returning his calls. It's like he had a narrative in his mind of what I'd do (cling, contact, harass, beg, plead), and evidence to the contrary just didn't seem to register. So it's also possible he told his L that he didn't believe I had a L, even though I sent H his name and phone number.
I'll stop hijacking. I'll journal in my thread when I'm feeling up to it. Now to my darling Leahsue.
Leah, my love, I see that mindreading/expectations combination happening again. Whenever that gears up, you seem to react to it in a way that you push your H away before he can hurt you further.
There's another poster on this forum that has a pattern and once she starts fixating, she does things to push her H away. And the key to not pushing him away is to stop her own thoughts that are working against her interests. That's where the negativity always starts, and I see a pattern with you, too. She cycles. She'll stop it temporarily, but then familiar messages start firing in her brain and she's off and running without even noticing that she's repeating her pattern.
With that pushing away, there's a difference between seeing a healthy strong state of mind with an awareness of our boundaries, and acting out toward another person that has us sitting in the victim chair. I think you think you're doing the former, but it looks like the latter to me (and to your H, too, I bet.)
I think it's fantastic that he's coming when you have plans, and I wish you'd embrace that as something positive (versus anything punitive.)
Overall, I think 25 is onto something with the concept of your H's shame. Your H's ego seemed to need some boosting over the past year, and his job was something that was making him feel great: needed, wanted, virile, smart, successful, etc. To him it's not just a job; it's validation of his worth and that he's still "got it."
And maybe he got a little full of himself and that's why he tried out an A. His ego needed more boosting but he wasn't aware of that.
So here he is. He lives in another part of the country, he knows he's hurt you and he may not even understand why he did it (and he knows you'd deserve an explanation at some point) and any visit is going to be super high stakes. Can you think of it from his perspective, and not take his hesitance personally? Because I don't think it's personal. I think the fact that he's in touch and wants to visit is HUGE. He still loves you, and I would love it if I saw something similar from my H. So, right now, can that be enough for you?
As for H not returning your texts, remember that you've backed off your communication recently. It would make sense that a man with a fragile ego would imitate this behavior to prove a point to you.
Remember that any returning wayward needs to see that their LBS is okay, despite the hurtful actions. This gives them the confidence to start making their way back. If they see that their LBS is hurt, angry, and upset, they are less likely to commit to making their way home.
So, Leah, you're going to have an amazing life no matter what happens with H. Do you believe that? I do. (And so does that handy man!)
If you want your H back, you've got to stop trying to show him your hurt. I know, it feels so incredibly unfair that you'd have to put your emotions on the back burner, because his choices did hurt you. But there is a time and a place, and if your H made his way back and the two of you began piecing, that is when you get to start letting him see that he hurt you.
It's an incredibly difficult balancing act. We all know that you are such a kind person and you didn't deserve any of this. We know it must be so hard for you to have to process your pain and deal with the H who is sitting on the fence but wants frequent contact.
I want you to be strong, positive, and happy, with the knowledge that your H made some poor choices. Try to humanize H, too, and remember that he's very likely scared and wrestling with his own negative emotions. And that's normal and it's not something that you should view as an insult to you. The very fact that he did what he did shows that he's struggling with some self-worth issues, and they're showing up in your R, but he's not doing what he did/does because of a value judgement about you. It's all about him. He still clearly loves you or he wouldn't be doing what he's already doing - he's in touch and wants to see you.
Embrace your life, Leah. H is an addition to that life, and the rollercoaster ups and downs are simply that. Try not to react to them or allow them to breed hurt/insecure feelings or let you develop expectations that this will all be over soon. Both of those thought patters are a trap.
Slow, steady, and positive, Leahsue. Picture yourself like Glinda the Good Witch, happy and glowing in her bubble. You've got to be Glinda, and you've got to put yourself first and love yourself and heal yourself (because right now H can't help you with that. Maybe someday he will be able to do that, once he's re-committed.) You need this perspective for your own good and to best set the stage for a timid H to start making definitive steps toward you.
The grand gesture from a wayward who is now certain of wanting to recommit does not usually come without some baby steps, where they need some reassurance that it's okay to approach. Can you see what your H is doing as baby steps? And he's scared to take those steps because of his own reasons, not because you're not worth his effort.
I love your sister's text, and that she's sending you inspiring words, but I cringed a bit because those words are very much from a victim stance. Someone can not call and not text, and it can be for reasons on their end that are not at all insulting or punitive. However, I will agree that the lack of contact means you can move on if you want. But there's a difference between making decisions from strength, and a passive aggressive one-upmanship.
Positive strength, Leah. Even when things are uncertain. You are no-one's victim, and you can look at someone's actions and try and not take them personally. Especially when it's your H and especially when things are fragile/back-and-forth. You can do it; I know you can.
I hope you found this helpful. I want you to be happy and I want to limit those sleepless nights. I want you to be positive and out there in the sunshine living it up. And your H is that little squirrel high up in the tree whom you're trying to coax out with some peanuts in your hand. It's going to take time for that squirrel to have the confidence to fully come your way. Your H is the same.
