First time here, part 3

[25yearsmlc]

Okay Leah, right now it $uck$ to be you. I totally get that. I'm just wondering why you are putting negatives on his emotions instead of being confident that he "should" have positives and isn't showing them....

let me see if I can clarify...

Yes 25, makes perfect sense. Thanks for taking the time to stop by.

The statement you made in someone else's thread (and I can't remember who right now) struck a chord with me. You said we have to decide if we can live with the way they are treating us (as we begin to work back toward R).

Well, I realized, I can't.
I don't like the way he has not only abandoned me, but his mother, siblings, favorite BIL. That has never been his way. One of the reasons I fell in love with him was his deep commitment to the people he loved. That appears to be gone.


we don't know if it's gone for good, or absent without leave. There is a difference

but you may not care if it's permanent b/c hey, it could happen again and without a lot of assurances as to why it won't, or better gauges for checking in, it's a damn big risk.

FAIR enough.

He was a very tender, loving man who would tear up at a Hallmark commercial. Now, he won't return phone calls, unless it suits him, or texts, sometimes at all. Not just mine. His other loved ones too.
He used to openly adore me, and didn't mind telling anyone who would listen. Now he can go 4-5 days in a row, with no contact with me at all.
He does not show one single bit of excitement or even interest in anything but his work.
For whatever reason, he keeps planning, then canceling, an extended visit here. But I don't know how he thinks that is going to fix anything. He has not stated that he want a R. All he has said is- we just need to spend some time together.... which if I'm honest, is far from saying he's back in the game.


Fair points^^^. OTOH any WAS trying to reconcile, (or most, I assume) need to probe a bit before returning or live in the same area, etc.

They are risking too...know what I mean?

The one time I mentioned him being attracted to me or not, he did not offer one single bit of encouragement or affirmation, but instead, turned it around and said, I don't know why you would think I'm not attracted to you. My question back to him should have been, Why in the world would I think you are?

We spoke on the phone last night, and even after I told him his re-scheduled dates would not work for me, he still has his trip planned for then, knowing I will be tied up for the first 3 days of it.

is he trying to prove something? Are there a lot of other things for him to do there, without you? I'm not clear on why he'd do this unless his schedule is really busy...


We had a horrible conversation about all of that. No DBing there. It was late and I was tired and I should never have engaged in the conversation. We hung up in anger. I tried to call him back in just a few minutes to suggest another way to work the dates, but he would not answer his phone.

I was awake all night thinking about how easily he has just let go of me.


yeah, I hear you...I really truly do...man, it $uck$.


I think this visit will be a disaster. It's too long, especially if things go badly.
So today, I just made a decision.
If I am going to engage at all from here on out, he is going to have to show me that he wants us to work toward that. And he is going to have to act like it.

I understand.

I basically told him that the way he is able to ignore me when things get too heated for him, shows me very clearly that any feelings he had for me are gone.


^^^here is where you've lost me. He RUNS when it gets hot and when he starts to feel negative emotions (whichever emotions those are)

which is NOT to say his feelings are gone. Probably the opposite.


I also told him I cannot see why he would possibly want to visit me in light of that, unless it is to bring divorce papers, and we don't have to meet in person for that. I said if you still come south to see your family, maybe we can meet for lunch or something. But if that does not interest you, then that's OK too. I said I'm sorry this is how things turned out.
Since then, silence.

Based on his past actions after a discussion like this, he will wait a few days, then contact me and totally act like the previous conversation never happened. Which makes my words mean what, nothing? So I expect that to happen, or he will just drop the whole thing.

Wow his conflict resolution skills are just absent. Like gaslight absent. What were his parents like?

My h became very conflict avoidant and sometimes act as if he had amnesia and I guess I was supposed to as well.

When he'd come back from a shocking sneaky trip to Alaska - (which is insanely far and weird to do) he'd say he was "just checking out a job" and act as if I was overreacting or a b1tch of not welcoming him home with open arms at the airport.

Looking back, it made me feel a little crazy to not say "Wtf, this is wrong w/you?"

I also think that shame is a problem with these guys. Like if they admit (at some level) they are way out of line, or have inflicted pain on someone, well, they just cannot look there.

I'm not sure what you can do to "keep the road home, paved and smooth".

In fact, I used to say this^^ a lot based on my db coach's advice. I think it might be smart to do for a recon

but not for piecing. Piecing was way too smooth in hindsight, in my situation. (To be fair, h's mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer shortly after we reconciled so piecing got shelved. Since I don't have a time machine, I just pass that on to you).


Either way, I can't do this any more. I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who goes hot to cold, ignores me or my calls when it suits him, then calls later like "it's all good".

it's pretty crazy making and I understand this^^


It would be different if he hadn't kept wanting to see me and spend time with me, plans it, then postpones. I just don't know what the visit means to him, and it makes it almost impossible to truly remain neutral about the outcome. It almost feels like the visit will be an audition, to see if I'm worth the work that would lie ahead of us.

this^^^ really resonates. I believe it hurt my d's deeply too. God, I hate remembering that. But it's true.

Last night he kept saying, I am 95% of the way to seeing this work thing to its conclusion, and I've come too far to drop it now. I've put all this time and effort in it for 18 months, and I can't just walk away. I said, that's what most people say about their relationships, not their JOBS.

Bingo

Work will always be there, but every time you postpone your visit, you choose work over me. He disagreed, but that's exactly what it is. He said, If I'm not here, things don't get done.

your vision^^^ is the truth. His is not. I'm married (still, legally) to a DOCTOR and this^^ hurts to read. So damn familiar. Decades...OMG I just shook my head typing this out.

I can't even...

I'm sure he truly believes that, but a job cannot be there in the place of people and relationships.

but, so what if he believes it? Is that better than not believing it?

I don't understand why he can't have both. But he compartmentalizes things, and always has. This is to a ridiculous degree.

yes^^^

Today, for the first time, I think I know in my heart that it is over for good. I am so very sad, and lonely, but I'm trying not to confuse those emotions with love. I don't think I even love him anymore.

I do love and value me, though. And I will be OK.

things can change. People can change. But I hear you.

((( )))