Limerence and My Situation

[Parkema]

Hi Bdog37

I appreciate your input.

And my first post would suggest 3-36 months I know this, again how do you detach when you have 2 children together? This will never happen totally so I have to build a strategy around that, presently the only thing better than the AP/LO are our children and her not being with them would hurt BUT would hurt the children also. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

Again I feel I am doing as much as I can under these circumstance's to continue to keep sane and work on regaining my M. I obviously don't condone her actions and this is vigorously enforced when the need arises but once is normally enough.

I understand this is a looong journey but as I mention in a previous post a win-win.

Many Thanks.

Mark

[LiM]

I have two teenage daughters. They stayed with me when I kicked my wife out of the house. I NEVER sought to keep them away from their mother. They saw her every day (if that is what my wife wanted). But, you CAN completely detach from your wife and go dark without it affecting your parenting. During all that mess, I learned to become the best father I had ever been.

[leahsue]

Wow, Mark,
If you honestly think that your W is going to come back when her "mind drug" comes to an end, and you will be waiting for her, then I truly think this may be on the wrong forum/website for you.
You CAN detach, while keeping your kids in as well a position as they could possibly be, but tell me this..... what kind of example are you setting for them, in the face of your spouse using both you AND om, at the same time, and they see it all- are you showing them a husband who is willing to live in an open marriage, while hoping she decides to wake up and come running back to what she already left? Or can you show them a man who will NOT be a part of an open marriage, who allows his wife to walk all over him, and ultimately look like a fool? PLEASE, if you are truly here for advice, listen to the vets who keep saying, MAN UP, and give her some boundaries. And NO, I don't think you have given her any, or at least any that make her uncomfortable.
Again, just my opinion. Seems like you came here with your mind already made up as to how to fix this thing. If your plan works, then perhaps we all need to begin shifting our thinking. But so far, laying down and remaining available has worked for NO ONE on this board.

[Tread]

parkema,

You clearly have done your search much like I did. When the DR book arrives in the mail your going have more to think about. The thing that I have observed, even in the DR book that dealing with the WS takes patience. What you will find in the book will at times deviate from what I have seen on this forum. Your line of thinking is what's in the DR book. So I can see why you might be resistant to some of the advice being given.

At the end of the day, its about figuring out what works in your situation. You may GAL and do 180s, which might work. Then you may find that it doesn't get the job done. And you will find yourself having to use harsher methods as has been suggested to you. Stick with what your doing now, but GAL. Do wait on her. Considering that she said that she had no issue with you. Then you already are the better man. W just needs a reminder.

Also LH19, LiM and leahsue if you all could take a look at my sitch under "Wife wants to leave marriage." Let me know if you have any advice.

[Parkema]

Tread

Thanks for view, to be honest I haven't read DR yet it's in the post but I have scoured the Internet for advice based around my sitch. I have gained an understanding on A from sound medical sources and A "experts" and I know that this could take a long time for me BUT I'm in no hurry.
Comments like "man up" are not welcomed on a return thread to me but be the bigger person.. Please understand I appreciate all your help on the boards but instead of castrating me for my approach why not help me find a middle ground?
If I shouldn't be on these boards founded by someone who has wrote a book that basically outlines what I am doing then who is..?

Again I haven't read it yet so hold judgement.

Thank you all again.

Mark

[Parkema]

leahsue

My strategy is based on sound advice but am not saying it is right. You say I have no boundaries and am involved with an open marriage arn't we all... If your S is in an A and you are still married then that's open (someone with your S now? You are open) especially if you have children.

What example am I showing my kids? One that is supportive caring and strong in the face of immense pain and suffering and again this is NOT shown when we are with her BUT when we are together as a family her excluded (boundary). I NEVER go to her about anything AT ALL she will approach me I cant stop that due to my children's needs sorry.

What would you have me do? Stop her from seeing her kids? D and end the relationship? These boards are fundamentally about trying to win back your WS isn't it? I'm sorry you feel I'm not listening I am hence all the posts BUT I base my method on solid advice from "experts" and medical evidence.

Its not going to be an easy journey and I prefer to have people by my side along the way. I will make mistakes and I will learn from them but the original post was about limerence and how I intend to handle it but has evolved into something completely different.

Thanks

Mark

[Parkema]

LiM,

"Conversation IS what builds a R but the reason it worked when you first met was because she was not in a R with someone else"

I'm sorry to tell you but she was! Extremely presumptuous of you, is this the kind of "advice" I can expect...

As for the love bank of course I am depositing, women are entirely emotional us blokes more physical/logical and being someone who can be her safe place who listens and validates can only deposit love or good feeling. I would agree if I ranted and begged and pleaded for her. NO CHANCE.

"You are making excuses for her when you say she can't help herself. Of course she can. She is CHOOSING to be in a R outside of your M." I agree she chose to cross the line and that is partly my fault BUT once the changes happen in her (limerence) then she is not seeing straight and is something VERY difficult to break free from.

Only time is known to end it BUT again I'm under no illusions that it will work in my favour, she might put up with his faults and him hers but I am placing myself in the best position to show her that the family and I are her best option.

I'm already out of the relationship and in my own place with the boundaries that come with it BUT this is my method and is something I thought considering the content in DR people could relate to. I continue to learn - thank you.

Thanks

Mark

[dale165]

Just take your time man. Good chance she drifts farther before the possibility of reconciliation. Your methods may need to get harsher if that's the case but you know your wife better than anyone here. Make sure you monitor the results of your plan. I did the same crap over and over with no results or try new plans for a week and not give it time.

Yesterday was our 7 year together anniversary and she canceled our trip the day after I pay $300/night for the resort. Please have no expectations of this. Women appear way harder to get back than men. They have a new relationship and now cant hurt the affair partner.

Seems like you have good intentions, best of luck to you. Research all you can, you may find something that will be perfect for your situation.

[leahsue]

Park,
If I offended you with my comments yesterday, I apologize.
No, I am not in a triangle marriage. My husband and I are separated, but neither of us is in an affair. We have no children together.
I can only speak from my own experience, and clearly it is much different than yours. I just know that when I tried to be nice, and made sure he knew I would take him back and forgive him, he moved farther away. I do not feel that increased his respect for me, nor made me very attractive to him. Desperation is rarely attractive. It was only when I stopped doing everything that was not working, went completely dark, and began to heal without making my life all about him, that we began to move slowly back towards each other. We are far from there still, and I don't know if we will ever reconcile, but I'm pretty sure if I hadn't stopped being so available, we'd already be D.
I wish you all the very best. I truly do.

[Parkema]

Thanks Dale

I'm sorry you had to cancel must have been hard.

Strangely was our 7th wedding anniversary on the 2nd June but I had already prepared for her to blank the whole thing from her mind which she did.

Saturday she FaceTimed the boys and brought it up clearly upset and was remorseful, not seen this for a while. You mention that women appear to be harder to get back BUT there must be a man in the equation and we overlook this fact. Maybe my WW's OP/LO is just keeping his options open? I've not heard anything about D with him or his BS although I take no notice about them but if this were the case I feel my WW would be pushing for D also.

I am constantly monitoring but feel I need to be consistent I think more information about boundaries wouldn't go a miss...

Anybody..?

Thanks again and stay strong.

Mark