So this past week has been in some ways the closest we have been. Yet she still talks to this OM and plans to meet him on Sunday. But she wants a date with me today. She said she has a desire to have sex with others and I am not opposed to that but I feel we need to first work on us. She said this week for the first time she can see a future with me but she isn't there yet. There is a lot of hurt that I neglected her.
She said if I cannot let her hang out with him and that it is first to have a friendship with him and possibly have sex. She says OM asked her what was happening with us and for the first time she says she told him she agreed to work on it with me. But I don't know if that's true and if it's true what he responded with. She feels trapped and lonely and isolated and from the messages I read he did treat her well and showed her attention and seems an okay person. So if it's just different sex she wants to experience I can live with that. But I also am vulnerable about us.
She noticed I ordered the sex starved marriage and so much of what happened with us was described in there. I want her to read it but she doesn't yet seem ready. We HAVE both been exhausted and she has been sick lately (she even says she doesn't know if she even feels well enough to have sex with him even if she wanted to).
She has acknowledged how she took the little things I did for granted and has expressed more gratitude towards me. I just keep going back and forth emotionally.
But it's a positive she wants to date today and that she has slowly been talking about moving somewhere together (e.g., "if you go there I can do gradschool there"), she shared annual passes for a park she wanted to do last year and I said no. This time I was ready to buy them but then she was like wait no let's not add another big purchase just yet. But she also mentioned a maid. I THINK (key word) she is genuine...and maybe she is just doing all this to see how serious I am about changing. I have been wrong towards her (that doesn't justify her cheating on me...).
She has also been more committed to seeing a therapist/counselor BUT then I doubt it when she still wants to hang out with him. She said she didn't want to hurt me but also feels she cannot just let this OM hanging since he was there for her as well. So maybe all they want to do is go out for dinner. Last week when I saw her devastated and she said she wants to kill herself and that she doesn't feel anything (before I discovered the messages) she said she was already feeling it was fizzling out (but the messages contradict that)...she said now that I know she feels safer if she can still see him.
