Thank you Bttrfly, sotto and job for the birthday greetings, its was on Thursday so a working day for me. It ended up as just another day in paradise - she says sarcastically.
H did not contact me, I was genuinely disappointed that this is what we have come to. I don't know if it was a case of him not caring, not remembering (which would be a first) or not feeling he has the right to send wishes (or even say hi for that matter) after the way he has treated me. Whatever the reason, he didn't and I admit it hurt.
My birthday present was a trip to the Dr, I had got my thyroid results earlier in the week and the nurse rang me to say I need to adjust my meds ......the meds I am not on ...so when I pointed this out, she made me an appointment to see a new female dr (mine is male), the appointment was on my birthday.
Well, she is lovely, shame she is a locum and wont be at the surgery for long, but she was so sympathetic and very helpful. Basically said that she feels I am going through menopause and my high thyroid level is not helping and really both things are a "when they happen" not "if they happen" so stop the suffering and get some meds in to me. Both have the same symptoms but also clashing ones, so no wonder I feel so emotional and tired, especially with the stress I have been through with all the ups and downs with h coming and going. More bloods last week and then I see her again next week. Its a start and I hope that I will soon be feeling a little better and able to cope with life again.
s23 rang today, he wished me a belated birthday, saying that s20 reminded him but he was disorganised. A card arrived today with a gift of a flight to go see him and visit his house. I am really touched by his generosity but whilst we were talking he mentioned his dad was visiting him next week to help with some DIY, at that point all I could think about was " I can't sleep in the same bed as h has slept in, I am not even sure I can go to the same location" totally irrational and shows how emotionally a mess I am right now. I said thank you for the offer and I will give it consideration ( I did not tell him my reasons for not saying yes straight away). I know it is crazy, but I also know that I dont want to come back from a weekend feeling stressed and more upset. I am hoping that this is a temporary feeling and down to my crazy hormones that have gone haywire.
I often wonder if holding on to hope is actually hindering to moving forwards? For instance; H has shut the door on me/us, so whats the reasoning behind me keeping it ajar for him. He has made it clear that he wants nothing to do with me, 7 months of silence should be a bit of a hint!! yet I still consider the possibility he will wake up one day and realise that I am where his heart actually lies and fight to get us back ..... yeah yeah, there goes a unicorn flying past into the pink candy floss clouds. I question whether I am not accepting we are finished for good and should find a way to or whether I truly believe that he is going through something, that this is not him and he will one day wake up from his altered reality.
Its a long weekend here in NZ, I worked today (Saturday) I want the extra money, determined to get some savings behind me. Tomorrow I will catch up with guy friend and on Monday I am out to lunch and window shopping with a g/friend.
My g/friend bought me a book of NZ best road trips for my b/day so we plan to complete as many as we can, I am looking forward to planning the first one.
So that's been my week, some leaps forward and some steps backwards, the same merry dance.
