You are fooling yourself if you think you are actually making deposits into her love bank. Its not happening. Conversation IS what builds a R but the reason it worked when you first met was because she was not in a R with someone else. If she had been, your conversations wouldn't have meant squat. Your W has left your R. Your sympathetic, supportive ear is just showing your weakness right now.
You are making excuses for her when you say she can't help herself. Of course she can. She is CHOOSING to be in a R outside of your M.
If I'm hearing you correctly, you are saying that you are just going to wait around until the "drug" wears off to be ready to take her back when it does; no matter how long it takes. There is nothing wrong with that if that's what you want and what you are willing to do. My fear is that you will be seen as a doormat; a man that was willing to let his W walk all over him. And that is NOT attractive.
I kicked my W out of the house when I discovered the A. I THOUGHT we were working on our M but found out 3 months later that it was still going on so I filed for D because I was completely unwilling to live in an open M. But that decisive act is what turned everything around for us. I may not have been the perfect husband and had a lot of my own crap to fix but I refused to be treated that way and I made that VERY clear.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
Again limited contact due to having children who we share custody and when at mine I remove myself. No pursuing ever, no calls, no texts no emails nothing. She pursues me, maybe I am providing her with some emotional support but on my terms.
Hello parkema,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
It is safe to say that you are not pursuing your wife, which is good. Not sure I would go so far as to say that she is pursuing you. It sounds more like she is temperature checking you to be sure you are available as plan B in case things don't work out with the OM.
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Hi Mark, I don't have much to add to what everyone else has said, except for this. You keep saying her affair HAS TO END. I don't know where you get that reassurance, but I know of several situations where the "affair" did not end, in fact, turned into a 2nd marriage that is still going strong. So do not kid yourself into thinking there are any guarantees in her ever ending her new R, or coming back to her M to you. She is gone. The sooner you believe that, stop enabling her to have her A and still have you on the side when she feels like it, the better chance you have of becoming attractive to her again. I do not know of a single R that has happened on this board, or anywhere, where the LBS was "OK" with being in a triangle, and eventually the wayward spouse suddenly woke up, slapped their forehead, and said Oh darn, what was I thinking? I'm going back to my ex and let this exciting new man go. I know this is not what you want to hear. But I truly think the only shot you have at coming out of this situation whole and healthy, is to realize she is being unfaithful to you, and until that ends, what in the world is her motivation for returning to a marriage she strayed away from already? Read the lighthouse link in Cadet's list of links. It sounds like that is what you are trying to be to her, and that's fine, but there's a difference is being a lighthouse, and being a doormat. Best of luck, and keep posting. You'll get more feedback that way.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
Just going through sandi2 post and straight off the bat.
"It is the attitude or state of mind he has to have, when dealing with a WW situation. I don't mean he necessarily runs out and files for a D. However, he should not be afraid to do it. I would suggest that before he filed, that he separate from her, to show her he means business". I did this within a month of D-Day. I do nothing for her at all I can see that how I am managing my R can seem like I'm acting like a door mat, being there for her as a friend and her safe place BUT this is how relationships start.
My post was about limerence and how it always ends I am basically relying on this whilst working on myself and investing in something that might or more likely not happen and her RC our MR. But please also note I'm still working on me whilst realising my future may not involve her (difficult we have children together) and being the best I can be can only help in any future relationships.
Again I have boundaries which she is fully aware of but just talking to her and validating whilst staying friendly when she approaches me does not make me that weak needy "nice guy" I'm in control of what I'm doing and if she pushes my established boundaries I act on them - simple.
"This is especially true when it comes to enforcing his boundaries. If he is scared of what she may do, how effectively do you think he'll be in enforcing his boundaries? She smells the fear in him." Why would anybody in my situation not enforce? What more can she do to me...
Again don't loose sight of our children this needs to be factored into how I manage my situation.
I know this all sounds the total opposite of what many feel should be followed but horses for courses and I will continue to do my strategies with solid boundaries.
Thanks for your help.
Mark
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
I could go to D and demand her limited visitation to our children and might win that argument, how would my children feel?
I totally agree she is cake eating and enjoying it but little more I can do except NC and no pursuing with boundaries. I feel it will evolve over time to less and less contact as the A deepens so that only works in my favour, the void will be felt when she chooses not to or should I say the AP/LO chooses for her not to "reach out "to me when I have our children either way this doesn't bode well for their R and resentment will build between them. Being that safe place only helps for when it comes to choosing HER next move...
Please appreciate I am not at her beckon call I have my own life my own friends and am enjoying this BUT my R with her and our boys is too important not to try everything I can to bring her back. I don't think I am explaining myself well enough regarding my involvement which is nominal any contact is ALWAYS initiated by her. and only in person when she's visiting our children at my "home".
"You can ignore reality but you can't ignore the consequences of ignoring reality." No she is ignoring reality due to limerence she's not herself once reality sets back in and they see each other without their rose coloured glasses on cracks will appear and I will not burn that last remaining bridge from fantasy island back to the family.
Thanks again
Mark
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
Fair enough. Even if I don't agree with it at least you have a plan.
***Please appreciate I am not at her beckon call I have my own life my own friends and am enjoying this BUT my R with her and our boys is too important not to try everything I can to bring her back.***
Is that a typo? You are the first person I have ever heard enjoying being here.
One thing I disagree with on this forum is we use words like limerence, fog, MLC. To me this is an attempt to label their actions and therefore make an excuse for it.
My post was about limerence and how it always ends I am basically relying on this whilst working on myself and investing in something that might or more likely not happen and her RC our MR.
I am familiar with this term, no expert by any means, but it isn't like a common headache that will go away within a few hours. This could last a very long time so I just think the people on here are trying to look out for you by saying you need to detach from her. The way you speak of limerence in your first post is like a possible drug that could eventually wear off and you just want to show her that you will be there when it does. While that is very commendable, I just think right now you need to show her "tough love" and let her walk her own path.
Please keep in mind that love is a choice and right now she is choosing to keep a R with the OM as well as you.
M: 37 W: 36 T: 16 M: 11 D2: 8,3 PA: 2015 WAW: 2016 W Filed: 2017 2/07/2017 W officially dating OM2
"Is that a typo? You are the first person I have ever heard enjoying being here." you misunderstood I enjoy my having a good support system who look out for me and allow me to demonstrate that I can GAL, again a good thing.
"One thing I disagree with on this forum is we use words like limerence, fog, MLC. To me this is an attempt to label their actions and therefore make an excuse for it." Not at all my views on my WW having an A is very well understood by her. Limerence has been proved scientifically again I'm not saying once one comes out of limerence they go back to their BS and this would be the case if the BS continues to be a poorer option BUT my view is that I show her I am the better option whilst bettering myself through my P.I.E.S. I won't rely on her coming back to me but her A will face reality eventually.
Whilst I wait patiently who know what's around the corner...
Thanks again for your time.
Mark
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
