First off I am sorry you are here. I know you would not wish what you are going through on your worst enemy. I applaud your determination to gather as much information and try to develop a plan. However, IMO you are doing somethings right (going dark, not pursuing, etc.) but again IMO a lot wrong.
I get why you moved out but again she is the one in the affair.
How are the expenses being paid for the house? Are you still paying them?
Complementing her and being her best friend. Really? How will that get you closer to your goal? IMO it makes you look weak.
What are your boundaries? Where do you draw the line in the sand?
Read Chris73's situation to see what happens when you try to nice your way out of your situation.
I am including a post from a poster named "Accuracy". IMO the best post I have read to date on this board.
There is really only one prescription and that is to take the focus off of W entirely and focus only on you, your life, and what you want from it. Your learning about what you need to improve about yourself are an asset you take with you, but everything else about W, what W is doing, what W is thinking, etc. needs to be entirely put aside.
Why are you doing it? Why are you so obsessed with W? You were in a relationship with a woman cheated on you and lied to you. Why is that a prize worth making the focus of your waking attention?
The reason is that you are grasping to re-establish a feeling of control over your life.
When W dropped the bomb she ripped your sense of stability away from you. From your perspective you didn't do anything to deserve it, you couldn't stop it from happening, and you couldn't put things back together afterwards.
That would make anyone feel totally out of control, spinning down the drain, and that is a horrible feeling!
You are trying to analyze and understand everything so that you can build it into a rational model so that it will never, ever happen to you again. If I can avoid doing X, then Y will never happen. In addition, you want to unlock this puzzle, to deconstruct it so you can find the solution that will allow you to rebuild it. Finding that key would provide immense comfort.
Your brain has convinced itself that getting W back, or getting W to apologize and declare a desire to have you back is the very best and fastest way to restore your feeling of being in control.
With the benefit of time and distance, you'll realize that's what it's really all about, it's about regaining the ability to feel in control of your life and your future. It really has very little to do with W or who she is as a person, she's a lever to get you what you want, but that's really just an illusion.
If you take the focus off of W *completely* she will notice. That will give her space to breathe, and to think. That's the only way these things turn around -- the ONLY way.
