25, thank you. I want to address your thoughtful post. I do hope I clarified some of it above regarding my life being fulfilling.
I don't think I sabotage my R's. My ex was a bad choice. No doubt about it. I should have let go when he cheated before we got married. I should have let go so many times, but yeah, due to my childhood issues on abandonment, I held on. I was very scared to be alone, because I would have been pretty much completely alone. My self-esteem was so low I figured I would never do any better. I had a fling with a younger guy when I was separated. It was fun, he ended it with me for another woman. I was hurt, but my hurt lasted maybe a week and I was over it. Then I dated someone from here. It didn't work out relationship wise. But we would always come back together at some point for comfort, friendship, and "stuff". For years. It worked when until I wanted more, then it ended. Then time would go by and we would od our thing again. I ended that when I just felt rejected. But I miss that guy as a friend dearly. I realize we were very important in each others lives in a very different way. I think we made it through our post divorce years as well as we did because of each other. He is in a relationship now and I am super happy for him. I had one huge mistake which was just a fling. Then I had exNG who I finally realized he wasn't giving me what I needed, so when I said what I needed, he didn't want to give it to me, it ended. That was HUGE for me. To state my needs and end things because they couldn't be met. But yes, during that R I gave a helluva lot more than I received and that was not good. I did want it to work out badly. Then the plumber form online. a few dates, he was not what I wanted. Attracted to each other, that was it.
Then out of nowhere FF. Last person I would think due to the age. I didn't sabotage that one. We just weren't going in the same direction. I'm glad we found out at 3 months rather than a year. I learned from my others and I lived in the moment and enjoyed what we had. Then I guess we had no choice to look to the future to see if we should go any further.
My hopes for the next? We are in the same stage of life. We do want the same things in the future. As in, maybe marriage, maybe not. No future kids are deal breakers. All I desire is a partnership. I have a child, I have a roof over my head. I want something where there is no pressure to rush. Someone out of state was a pressure to rush. Having kids was a pressure to rush. I just want to be able to date someone without having to worry about where we are going next. When next comes, we navigate it, but it won't be some issue that can't be resolved. I can afford that at this stage in my life as I am self-sufficient and not needing much in the way of material things or children.
Felt good to write that. I realize I am actually am in a good spot to date. I just need to find someone in the same spot.
And I did look into divorce care when I was first separated at 28. I was the youngest by far and I didn't feel comfortable at the time. Maybe it's something I can look into again.
