Ok I have been reading everything on these boards for about the last six weeks. Now I have finally felt I needed my own problem discussed. So here goes
I am 31 year old h W is 33 years old Been m for 8 years
So about six weeks ago wife said she wanted to be done. We have two kids SD is 11 our d together is 6. So on 4-28-17 wife left to live in an apartment she had rented the day before. Said she had felt negative about me for quite sometime and didn't want to be married any more. Of course I was devastated and lost. I believe I handled it fairly well. I didn't beg and plead for her to stay. Just told her that I loved her and wanted her to be happy even if it wasn't with me.
So she started to move her stuff from the home that weekend we talked many times in person and over text and phone calls. Once again I didn't beg or plead or ask her to stay. I truly love her and just want her to be happy. We sat down and talked about visitation and what not for my daughter. We agreed that switch every week on Sunday mornings. So all is good on the kid front.
Since I could not afford to keep the home we were in I have since moved out and am living with my parents. As of today 06-01-17 everything is out of the family home and I am going to call the bank and let them know. So all is good on the house front.
Here is the part that I am lost and confused on. During this whole ordeal we have kept really good communication and have not argued or fought once. I know reading these boards this is prob not the best thing right now. And I should really just let her go right now. And focus on myself and daughter but it is really hard. We haven't talked like this in years and it feels like back when we first got married because we are talking about problems and laughing and joking. And being the typical male that I am we have had sex multiple times since this all went down. We have had one "date" at her apartment where we watched a movie she cooked me dinner and I stayed the night. And we have had one "date" where we went to a town about a 100 miles away had dinner and gambled I once again stayed the night and we had sex. We have talked about what has caused this and we both are working on being better people and having a better marriage. And once again I know that we probably shouldn't but we text each other about 100 times a day. We still exchange I love you's. something which I should add hasn't been the case for the last 2 months of our marriage.
So my question is what the heck is going on why now are we talking why now are we working on us. Is she just stringing me along until the dust settles or is this a good sign what is happening. And any advice would be amazing
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
It's really hard to know what is going on in your W's mind. And trying to figure it out will make you crazy. Clearly she is very conflicted. Trying to make sense of it all will drive you insane with obsessive thoughts.
One of the terms you will see around here is detachment.
Detachment is for you to be able to take your focus off of your W and place it solely on you. Because, the only person you can control is you.
Time will begin to reveal what is going on in your W's mind. Honestly, your W's thoughts probably flip-flop several times a day this early in the sitch.
There are some positives in your sitch but do not get your hopes up. These things take lots of time to resolve and two months apart hasn't changed any of the dynamics of your relationship.
What are some specific reasons your W gave you for leaving the R?
I think it's a great sign and I would "go with the flow" as it were. Someone here described it as trying to hand feed a squirrel where you want to be very slow and very patient. I would stick with your approach of not begging her or overtly pursuing her. Let her make the first move for anything to change.
A good rule is that you can mirror, but you can't escalate. If she texts you, you can text her back but don't call her. If she calls you, you can call her back but don't stop by, etc. Let her make all the escalations.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
It is easy to be conflicted when you have so many emotions and thoughts going through your head!
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
1: I wasn't trying anymore(probably some truth to that) 2: about three years ago her and I got pregnant-she lost the baby at 13 weeks and in her mind I wasn't there for her enough(I sure tried to be) 3: about 4 1/2 years ago a women and I exchanged inappropriate text wife found out. Thought we had worked thru that but she said it is still bothering her 4: our dog she was tired of the mess of having a big dog 5: said I never finished a project around the house(some truth to that I was redoing our master shower and was in way over my head thought I could handle it I was wrong. But to much of a man to admit that and so it just keep getting pushed down the list) 6: we never did things just the two of us(for sure truth in that we didn't ever just do us stuff always with kids or other family) 7: she put way more into the relationship then I did 8: just not happy
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I should also point out last night 05-31-17 she texted me and said she really wants us to go on a "date" again. She said that she had a blast the last couple
I 100 percent agree that we both gave a lot to work on. And I don't know if it's normal. But every once in a while I am pissed and don't know if I want it to work. And if we get back together right now nothing will have changed and we will be right back here down the road.
So I'm ok with time away I'm terrified that she migh enjoy it to much but hey can't control that
We have some major soul searching ahead of both of us. I know I have already started down a good path. Couple days ago it hit me like a ton of bricks. I have to first be happy and find joy in who I am and what I'm doing because if inside I'm not good a marriage or any relationship will be destined to fail.
Thanks again everyone it's helping to talk about it
