You're 2x4's are not harsh. Just very accurate. I am hoping to be more focused on myself once the divorce papers are signed. I am poisoning myself right now. I realize that just as my ex is poisoning himself with chemical substances, I am poisoning myself with procrastination, anxiety and negativity. They both have very similar outcomes. I am seeking help again this time with a counselor and I am trying hypnotherapy again. It is working. But today was a tough day. Tomorrow I will do better. I am going out with friends and will make sure to be productive starting forward. I was much better earlier this week though.
I have to break out of some very bad and self sabatoging habits. Diet would no doubt help. (IRL, I do not come across as the negative nancy. I guess i journal all my deep rooted dark thoughts here on the boards . But surely they are in my mind and very damaging)
I would never want to go back to my old marriage. I am discovering that my ex had been leading a double life. I was so unhappy and did not know why. Things were always so unfair and imbalanced and unhealthy and I just didnt understand why. I have to figure out why that was so acceptable to me. Why did I marry him? There were tons of really selfish and foreboding behaviors before we married...I was just young and inexperienced with relationships. Why did I trust him over my own feelings?
The one way my situation has changed for the better, is I am now discovering who he was and who he is. For a while, I truly thought it was all me. We fought and argued so much, but I always believed him to be this great guy and husband. I know better know. Everything he did and said, was to ensure that his money went for himself and drugs. Me and our son were not the priority. I think that him marrying me was some kind of cover. For himself, and others. I really, truly believe this. I was the perfect girl to bring home to mom.
I look back and remember how the majority of his friends had addiction issues. A lot of them were alcoholics and there were some that I am now realizing had to be into some really hard core drugs. Beyond the typical college experimenting phase. Why didnt I see this?.... Answer because he was a really educated professional and because his mom was SUZY homemaker.
And I know, Im not supposed to be looking back but focusing on moving forward. But for so long, everything was such a secret. And now I am learning these answers. And the answer is still the same...
