..goin' down the only road I've ever known

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=kml]Dear girl, it WAS infatuation. True, real love takes TIME, takes really getting to know someone,. I'm not saying your feelings weren't real, but all love is just infatuation in the beginning.

This hurts you so badly because it is all wrapped up in your childhood abandonment issues, and in your deep-seated fear that you are not enough. That's what you need to be working on with your IC.

This^^^. I'm sorry Ginger. I truly am. Just seems like this has triggered in you a lot of stuff that is not about him or this r.

When you said you are "meant to be part of a couple",---- or what?

I don't know your issues other than what you say here. Obviously.

What occurred to me was that if anything is sabotaging your r's or ability to have a lasting one, it is the belief that you must be in a r to be fulfilled.

That is pressure on the R, that is pressure on the partner and that is pressure on yourself to zoom into a r that can only exist with knowledge and a wholeness in each person not needing the other to be complete, AND only exists with TIME...

I think I've been a wife for about as long as you have lived. As an adult I was always Part of a couple. Yes, it was very good for many years. Now it has ended. "Ouch" is far understating the pain of unraveling so much...

But I'm taken aback by the belief that you are not capable of having a fulfilling life without a partner. I guess that belief triggers such resistance in me for 2 reasons.

1) of course it scares me A LOT b/c what if I'm like that? I'm 57 now. I look younger but so what? My dating options are presumably smaller. Is MY Life never to be fulfilling again?

2) I do not accept^^ this. I cannot accept this^^ and in truth, I do not believe ^^this.

As I face the gaping hole a long time marriage ending, leaves, and the long distance between me and all 3 of my kids, and the financial terror I feel,

I MUST embrace what life has given me, or wither away. I mean, what are my options?


I joined a DivorceCare group that has been much more helpful than I expected. Being around funny, smart but wounded people- who want to be happy, is very healthy for me.

There's no time limit on it (how long divorced??) and we socialize afterwards. Maybe try that, b/c you won't feel so alone and by definition you won't be the only single person there!

And I think it helps to get perspective. And to meet and hear men say they miss time with their kids. NOT "Golfing with my son" or "taking my d's fishing b/c that's what I LIKE doing..."

but just hanging out with people they find fascinating, i.e. children. Just wanting time with their kids. Oh I'd give anything to have been married to a man who did not change as my h did, who did not come to value accolades at work far more than accolades (OR troubled teens) at home.

it's so great to hear and meet men who are good fathers and wanted to be good h's.

Good balance in the group. I highly recommend it. It's like DB in a way, but meeting in real life and sharing pizza and beer.


Hang in there, dig deep. Maybe learn to realize you can Be enough.