I wouldn't be surprised if my H had the same thoughts your H did re the belief that a comment about the children not doing well equates to an accusation. I also think he sees it, whether consciously or unconsciously, as an opportunity to provoke me. It was odd as he kept asking "what does that mean . . . what do you mean by 'tattling' . . . how is this a problem." He also turned it around on me and kept saying, "well, I would have asked this that and the other thing . . ."
It would be nice to be able to have a normal conversation. It would be nice to be able to parent with someone who sees the value is talking about issues in a reasonable manner without criticizing and demeaning the other parent.
What he doesn't see, know, understand, or get is that all this does is cause me to lock up. I don't want to talk to him about anything anymore. But that is not the stance I want to take.
I think this is all about my expectations. I expected to have a normal civil discussion. Now. after some reflection, I realize this is a ridiculous expectation!!!! Perhaps the better approach from here on out is to state what the issue is without any expectation of a discussion or resolution with him and then just walk away.
What is becoming clearer and clearer by the day is H's inability or lack of motivation to do any work. I keep looking at him and seeing a "normal" person. But he's not. He doesn't have a scarlet A on his shirt, he doesn't have a brand across his forehead proclaiming his scrambled eggs, Swiss cheese MLC brain so I have moments where I think he's normal.
I am really getting tired of this nonsense. I am tired of putting in all this effort and work toward trying to relate to him better. It's good practice, and while I certainly need it, it is becoming an exercise in futility and the harm to my emotional health is exceeding any potential gains. It is hard for me to believe that one person in a relationship can really make a difference because I don't think I am seeing any.
Aside from him not serving me with the Petition for Divorce, yet, there have no long term or consistent gains; perhaps that is a gain and I should look at it that way. It just doesn't feel like one. The bottom line is I think I need to see some progress in order to have any motivation to continue with him. At some point I have to excise the gangrenous relationships that weigh me down.
And I need to seriously think about this. Part of me wants to go ahead and file an Answer to the Petition without being served and get this party started and give him what he thinks he wants. Another part of me, perhaps the childish side, says, no, if he wants it, he will have to put in the work. The more I think about this the more I realize that if I take option B, I will have to come up with a better plan to deal with him in order to maintain my sanity. The only plan I can think of is further detachment. An "I'm done, whatever" attitude.
