Wife walked out 12 days ago says its over

[25yearsmlc]

I'm glad you are looking at how fast you hooked up with your 2nd w, after your first m ended.

Getting into another r so fast after your first one ended, is something to address. More 2nd marriages end than first, and the odds of subsequent marriages ending, increase with less time between the r's.

In other words, those who rush into a new r, tend to be in a reactive mode, not reflective. So a lot less learning goes on.

I'm coming out of my only m, and it was a 35 year one. I am forcing myself to live alone for the first time in my life. (I married in college).

I am barely dipping my toe into online dating after 7 months and have not felt ready to even meet someone. I KNOW it's too fast for me to engage in a "real" r, but I was sort of hoping to have coffee with a man partly b/c I have not dated in 37 years, which is almost as long as you've been alive. But I know I'd never dream of moving in together or remarrying, until at least 2 years of dating AND I'd have to date others as well.

I think my therapist would probably fire me if I jumped into a relationship before at least a year of being on my own, in therapy (to learn about myself at this stage of life AND to heal).


Experts say it, my family says it, my friends tell me to take my time. My h did not take his time. He immediately was in a r, and has announced it on FB.

When I get past my pain and ego blow about that, I really do think it's a little insane for him to have done that. I mean, objectively, it's Very needy.

I want to know what my mistakes were, I want to KNOW I won't repeat them, though I'm human and will make other mistakes.

But I don't want this pain in my life again. I will do a whole lot to avoid it. And I'd rather be free and alone, than to wish I was alone.

BTW, I have a close friend who divorced her first h 30 years ago. She immediately began a new r, and married that guy 18 months later. There was not a lot of searching other men b/c she met #2 a month after splitting.

22 years passed and h#2 left her with 3 kids. She began dating another guy and dang if she did not marry him, so he's #3. So she's basically married every guy she dated.

Husband #2 was a lot different from husband #1, like he was a reaction to her first.

And h#3 was a lot different from h#2, so again, a reaction...she never explored other men or r's and she never got to know herself living ALONE (without dating one guy exclusively).

She told me recently at the age of 62, that she wished she had taken her time, reflected, gotten to know more men so she could see that some men had all the main traits she needs, instead of REACTING to or REPLACING what she just lost.


The people I know who seem unable to be alone, and move fast into new r's, tend to have less satisfying r's, which is ironic in a way. THEY don't change, they just change partners. And the pattern of the marriages ending OR being very unhappy , persists.
in fact, I cannot think of one person who went from one m, to another r quickly, who has not regretted it.

Food for thought.

Keep at this, the pain will decrease if you work at this program and do Your work.

But yes, give your w time and space. To the extent the hormones are at play, they'll settle down and she may be able to see you more objectively.

What were HER prior r's like?

((( )))