Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 10

[PsySara]

Mad at you?Heck no, why would I be mad at someone offering gentle and loving guidance? I've read over your post a few times and let the words marinate in my head. I think I am surpassing detachment and sailing right on into apathy. lol! I am going through the motions but honestly have stopped feeling that "rush" whenever WH appears to be turning around. I just don't trust anything he does anymore. He's cake eating and I am trying to decide just how long I am willing to stand around waiting for him to wake up.

Thinking about D'ing him no longer brings the rush of panic. I can easily picture a future without him as my husband and aside from some sadness I am okay. The more I think about what he did the more I wonder if he is even capable of giving me the love I deserve? His inability (or unwillingness) to empathize with the amount of pain he has inflicted on me still sticks in my craw. He just really doesn't seem to get it. I am not sure he ever will. I ask myself if I divorced him tomorrow, what would it change? Well, the messes I clean up would me my own and the kids, I wouldn't feel resentful he doesn't pull his load around the house, and I wouldn't care who he is texting. In a lot of ways I would be free. So how do I enforce boundaries when I am unable to file for divorce right now?

It's tricky because we actually are getting on ok from day-to-day. We are affectionate, we joke, we go over the moving and logistics. He transferred a big sum of money into my account a few days ago while I was shopping for a puppy. But I feel this HUGE wall between us, I can't "connect" with him on a deep level. How can you when the person who has wounded you worse than any other human can't be bothered to read a book about boundaries, or attend a weekend intensive or go to MCing? I can't. Because he is saying with his actions that my feelings don't really matter in the grand scheme of things.

I fantasize about being with a man who treasures me and wants to talk about our feelings and needs. A man who is as eager to make me happy as I am him. But instead I am with the man who has a low emotional IQ and can't see past his own issues. Sigh.