I spent the day getting everything ready to leave the baby at home. I am very emotional to leave him. My dad will be watching So I know he's in good hands and I've taught the boys everything over the last couple weeks. They can change him bathe him dress him burp him etc independently (with me watching of course)
I spoke with the C today. I told him what was going on and cancelled our appointment.
The C said I had two options - kick him out and file for D or be positive, don't have R talks and see where it goes.
He thinks H didn't initiate anything he asked of him because he was testing me. H has said over and over to c that I can't go a week without have to talk or needing reassurance. So C thinks he was testing me and when I. Fail he can say see she messed up that's why I didn't do XYZ.
He said things don't sound good but is confused as to why H still sleeps in the bedroom kisses me and says ILY but acts cold and distant.
I did have a talk with H yesterday. He shut down like he always does that he doesn't know anymore and he's not going to live like this. He didn't say he was done but just said he doesn't want to talk about this anymore.
I have a lot of anxiety from last time. I've talked about it with C and H. c has tried t help H understand. I replay everything from last time back to this time. H up and left one day and just never came home from work. I have that anxiety everyday and worse when I see he's calling apartments.
I don't know how to get out of this cycle of needing to know before the shoe drops. If H isn't done I know I am shooting myself i. The foot because I believe nothing he says or does and think he is deceiving me with every word out of his mouth. I know he picks up on this.
So after all of that yesterday I've gone quiet with him. I did my own thing last night. The boys and I went to the beach and swimming today. I just wanted to enjoy my last day before back to school. We were supposed to be going out of town this weekend but H said last night he wasn't going anymore. I'm not sure I'll go alone with 3 kids but we will see how tired I'm feeling from the next couple of days. I'll be gone for 12-13 hours a day. I'm sad just typing that out that I'll miss the baby and my boys that long.
I almost feel like school will be good for me. H will go to the back burner which is how we got here. My mom said I need to let him miss me... maybe me being gone and too busy to worry about him will allow him to do so.
I am sad and heart broken of course but the only thing I know is that he will regret his decision in the future. But my non negotiable is if he leaves he cannot come back again. He knew this from when we R last time.
Thanks everyone for checking on me. Keep your fingers crossed for me that I don't cry like a baby in between seeing patients tomorrow
