Popping out of the woodwork here. My marriage fell apart, in part, due to my xh's first full blown manic episode. It was BAD. And by bad I mean horrific. It took him over a year to finally get a diagnosis and quality care team, and almost two years of denial and several episodes (both depressive, manic and mixed - yeehaw)and a fabulous (sarcasm there) relationship with a mentally ill alcoholic woman before he finally hit rock bottom and became in tune to his diagnosis and wanting to get better. He's now on his meds, got rid of the alcoholic and is slowly digging his way out of the "sh*t show" that he created (his words, not mine).
In some ways, I could be your wife. Before his first episode, he would hide money from me, lie about trivial things and really really damaged my trust in him. In fact, my BD came two weeks before we were supposed to close on our forever home. He has told me that he wanted to buy the house, that was his forever, and we were going to live happily every after. And well....then the illness set in. And it came across as I bullied him into everything. He claimed to have lied about everything - to keep me happy. He accused me of being verbally and emotionally abusive and controlling. I spent over a YEAR recovering from the trauma not only from the episode, but the gas lighting that happened. I spent hours in therapy trying to determine if the 10 years I spent with him were all a lie. When he received his diagnosis (Bipolar I), there was a sense of relief...it made sense. I wanted it to be the illness talking (and sometimes it was, other times it wasn't). But then reality kicked in. You see, I have a bipolar father. Bipolar I to be exact. He (my father) fits the stereotype of what you think of when you think severely mentally ill bipolar. I grew up with that. And it scared me because I didn't want to subject myself to the illness again. I didn't really have a choice when I was little, but surely, I had a choice now - right?
I wanted to save my marriage but I didn't want to be subjected to the illness. I wanted to be taken care of but I worried that he would financially put us into a hole we couldn't dig out of. I had a right to be worried - as he had gotten us into debt and hid it from me until he could no longer keep up with the lies. I was so wrapped up in the what ifs that I couldn't see the forest through the trees. It finally took a very VERY good therapist to yank my ass off the ground and encourage me to work on myself to realize that I had to work on my own [censored] - and leave him to work on his. She helped me identify the projection of my father's illness on to my XH and to realize why I was scared and what I could do. But mostly, she helped (and is currently helping) me shine the light on myself and how to survive - with or without my xh.
Very long post trying to make short - we are working on our relationship, even though we are divorced. We know that the old marriage is dead - and that's ok, because while there were some great things about it, there were some pretty dark times that weren't healthy for either one of us. My XH is actively working on building the relationship with himself, and with me. It's REALLY hard. I had to know what I needed from him to make even working towards friendship, something that I would entertain. While he hasn't asked me directly what I needed from him to rebuild trust, I've been very vocally proactive about my boundaries and what I would and would not tolerate. And while he initially chaffed at the start, he has worked towards it and embraced it. What has worked for me is that he has responded to my needs, and not belittled them, even if he didn't agree with them. He's followed through on what he's promised to do and those are HUGE stepping stones for me. While I'm hesitant to trust them, I'm glad that they're there.
My suggestion: I would ask your wife what she she needs to help rebuild the trust between you two. Regardless of if your marriage is saved or not, you'll have to have some sort of relationship with her because of the kids. Listen to what she says and work on it. As for being lumped together with your MIL - you have no control over that. It took along time for me to realize that my father's illness is not my xh's illness. They may have the same diagnosis but its not the same for either one of them, and I had to realize that. Your wife may realize that one day, she may not. She's going to have to do the work to realize what she needs from you, and how she can work with you to achieve that. You both are going to have to be your healthiest selves. You can't make her do the work. You can't make her want to dig deeper. Once you accept that you can only be your best self - and make permanent changes towards being your best self- I think you might have a shot.
I would encourage you to write a letter, but I wouldn't encourage you giving it to her yet. You'll need the help of a GOOD marriage/family therapist to help get you through this - if ya'll decide to go upon that journey. It doesn't sound like she's ready to take that step.....yet.
Do the work on yourself. Be the best individual, husband and father you can be. Stop reading into her actions and work on yourself. She has to be willing to do the same.
Good luck on your journey - it's a hard one, but I can tell you no matter what the outcome - the lessons learned along the way are life changing.
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
