I admit to myself I can't be W's savior. W has to save herself. I also know that W can probably never come home, no matter if I am with someone else or by myself. I don't know that I could ever live with her again after everything that happened. Ever trust again. That doesn't make it not hurt, though.
You'll laugh, but I reread every post since the first one every week or two to see where I was, where I am, and where I'm going. I see where I've screwed up. I'm not exactly thrilled with my progress, but I think I'm doing fairly well as a man. Weight loss continues to progress (263 this morning. According to Dr, I started at 344 not 338, so that's over 80 lbs so far). GAL goes fairly well. Trying to prevent self destructive behavior is hard, but manageable. Therapy continues to go well, I think C is happy with my progress.
I still AM screwing up, but I don't know how not to do that, because as far as inserting myself into someone's life goes, I've already done that. I can't take that back. Trying to would cause Harm. What's the upside to hurting someone I love and who loves me? I know I have trouble separating "nice guy" from "right thing to do" but walking away from this strikes me as Wrong, for more than one reason.
Not being there for W also strikes me as Wrong but THAT really isn't something I can control in any case.
I see where you're coming from. I'm intellectually honest by nature. I may be really bad at following advice, but that doesn't mean I don't listen to it, process it, and try to learn from it. My key observation here, though, is that something is Different. In a way that has never happened in my life. Don't I owe it to myself to see where that goes? No matter how I ended up here? Don't I owe it to GF to live up to the trust she's placed in me?
I don't have good answers. I go through periods of severe guilt, likely because I don't believe I deserve what's happening. And also because I'm loyal by nature. Giving up on someone makes me feel like a failure. I've never been with someone who was the mother of my child before, and that just squares the feelings. Being the cause of W's pain (if not the genesis of it) messes with me in all sorts of ways.
I just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I hope that takes me where I'm supposed to be when I'm supposed to be there.
