This is a journal, a part of my morning routine when I don't want to start work quite yet. A place to empty out the things on my mind (even thought I never quite empty them out, unfortunately).
I had a rough night last night. I went kickboxing and destroyed the bag. I have a lot of anger bottled up in there I realize. There was an imaginary head on that bag last night.
I came home, made a nice dinner, watched a show with D9. Was scrolling on FB and I don't know what possessed me, maybe because I am a masochist, I looked at the posts from that girl. And there are all of his likes. She was on vacation and he likes almost everyone of her pictures. I couldn't even bring myself to check the profile selfie because I knew what I was going to see. So I ended up blocking him. The other girl who had a crush on him in vacationing in Ireland with these amazing pictures and not one single like.
He has been completely silent for almost 3 weeks. Not one "how are you" or ANYTHING to me. I've been around the block a few times. He has a distraction. I don't know if they are actually dating, but he is certainly trying to get her attention. It started almost immediately after he broke up with me.
I cannot handle this again. let alone with someone we knew, treated us rudely, flirted with him when she knew we were dating, and he had everything bad to say about. I feel like everything has been so disrespected. Any other girl I might be able to handle, although be sad, but this one....... it's devastating me.
So I tried to decide how I am going to keep myself sane. I decided to try to convince myself we had nothing real. Just 3 months of some companionship with a vacation thrown in. That I never loved him, it was just infatuation. That what we had was no big deal.
yeah, I am trying to rewrite history to make myself feel better. I am lying to myself but maybe that's what I have to do. I need to figure out how not to be hurt if this truly comes to fruition. I also tell myself she is sloppy seconds because he could have had her, but he chose me at the time. I also try to tell myself he is trying to slap the easiest band aid on the pain of losing me. I may delusional, but I do what I got to do.
The things I have experienced...... others would look to the outside, like him if I brought it up, and think I am psycho paranoid delusional basing this on what I see on FB. But my intuition and reading between the lines after all I have been through is sooooo strong. I have never been wrong. Never. This is a time I hope I am paranoid delusional, but I doubt it.
I found out from a mutual friend that his sister is back in the house with her son. so it's the parents, brother sister and grandkid. I am quite sure FF is busy and happy because he loves his nephew to death. So he's got his happy. The mutual friend thought that his sister would like me to reach out. I knew all about her sitch and divorce not through her, but I knew every detail through FF. I gave much advice to pass on and I felt like I was part of it. The one night he was so pissed at his sister and soon to be ex BIL, he had to get out of the house, and came to house fuming where I comforted him, listen to him actually say some awful stuff about his sister. I feel for all shes going to and want to reach out, but I don't want it to be received wrong, and it's probably not my place.
Tomorrow night I have an IC appt. Hopefully she could give me some pointers on how to keep my sanity if this is really true.
I beg God, the universe, whatever, every night before I go to bed to just give me a break. I have finally reached the "God only gives what you can handle" breaking point.
People have it much worse that me, I know. But my capacity has reached it's limit finally. I am not as strong as others. Maybe I was at one point, but no more. I know when to say "uncle" I know when to admit my defeat. I have zero shame in it. I need some divine intervention!
