25yearsmlc 10 Yrs Later I File D part 3

[25yearsmlc]

not sure why but I am really feeling STUCK.

The Gross divorce crap continues and I feel almost helpless, which we all hate feeling.

Like the other shoe is going to drop. H cancelling out d19's college tuition rings in my head, as does the legal problem we have to deal with in late June (which infuriates me and which I believe h does not know of).

the refusal to pay me support or even the half of the pension he knows & agrees I'm entitled to (is it a game??) and his zero communication about why or what is happening, or when something will be sent,

all make my stomach churn. OH and I need to get a job, too...and be healthy...

Topping it off was that my s30 seems to want me to rush thru all this, and

just be GLAD I'm out of an unloving and that the m "ended long ago" (which hurts and angers and triggers me)

and that I need to address why I didn't see that or why I put up with crap so long, etc.

there are 3 parts of this^^ that strike me.

1) s30 has no idea what unraveling a 35 year marriage & life is like, nor can he really. But I'm positive h and i once had a very strong marriage, - that it was real, for many years...(& yes, rather pathetically I did verify this with others)

and

2) s30 wants to see me happy and at peace, which I get. And appreciate.

and

3) and there is some truth to s30's remark about my need to only look forward, eventually learn to see more upsides to this divorce, and not ruminate at all,

but maybe what troubles me is that s30 saw things I did not see. WTF? I think I'm so self aware...

YES I know I saw things s30 did not, (good and bad) and what happens between a couple who raise children together and build a life from nothing, and from being impoverished, are things no child of theirs can ever really know.

But what about MY blindness? The money maneuvering h has been doing for at least 7 months or longer (gross )

still leave me reeling.

My worst fear is that h will grab onto our retirement savings which I am not old enough to access. And they'll be gone.

I know it's not supposed to happen and yes the divorce filing petition says not to do it

but so what?? I feel like my lawyer (the junior one) is wimpier than I expected or seems powerless. I am loathe to find a new one at this point, but geez...