It's hard to believe she might be having an A just for the fact she just miscarried a month ago. She moved back To her folks house and her step mom and basically saying to her if you're not happy don't stay, so she has plenty of support with her family to justify her leaving.
I don't think an affair is happening. Affairs are frequent in Mid Life Crises, but this doesn't sound like a mid life crisis.
To ME, it sounds as if your wife was self conscious (depressed?) about her weight gain, she did not feel sexually very desirable to you, which she expressed to you
and she probably connected the weight gain to your lack of desire.
Her "only saying it once" does not mean it no longer mattered. That type of questioning comment - "you don't want me?" is incredibly hard to ask someone, risking making her very vulnerable to have asked, and if things did not change, then it ate away at her.
Then when she could not carry a baby full term it further eroded her sense of womanhood and femininity and with the comment you made about her needing to lose more weight than her goal, (which my guess is, was a disguised cry for reassurance from you,)
instead you made the weight comment and it triggered a flood of emotions in her.
I'm not saying you're a horrible h, okay? We are all human.
I'm just reacting to what you wrote and my own life experience, and lessons here. A woman who has gained a fair amount of weight, who tells her h she does not feel his interest in her is the same, sees no change, then cannot carry a baby full term and miscarries several times, is Depressed.
Was she on hormones for the IVF treatments?
What are you working on, in yourself? I mean you do have to keep busy and heal
and I hope you will talk to an IC.
For your sanity, your well being and to grow into the man you want to become.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
