I confess, I wrote like 10 replies this weekend I erased them all.

I had a 3 day weekend without child. I spent most of my time completely unmotivated and reading a really good book. I went to 2 BBQ's and out to dinner with my friend one night. It takes me MUCH energy to get out, but I am glad when I do. I do feel a little more like myself. But if I am out too long, I start to sink back and I change a little and my friends noticed. And they hugged me. and whispered in my ear "F him, he lost a great woman" HAHA!

I went to my cousins last night and she asked me what was going on when we had a minute alone and I told her. it was actually one of the first times she expressed sincerety.

Having lots of alone time all weekend...... I cried. I felt the loss big time. The hole where he was. It was probably my first true chance to wallow in it. But, when I got too low, I lost myself in my book. So if reading is what gets me through when I am alone, reading it is. My friend and I took a trip the bookstore and I got some books.

I cycle through feeling the pain of how does one insert themselves into your life so deeply and then exit out via text and no contact thereafter? The way it went down haunts me. It felt so disrespectful to what we had, to me and my D. But it's the way he chose for it to happen. I wonder if he thinks about me or if this was all never real and he just erased me. There is no benefit in thinking of this, so when it comes across my mind I distract myself.

But like I said, it is more than just him being gone. It's a loss of whole lot more.

As far as being happy with or without someone? I think I have explained this before, and our views might differ. I will not be completely fulfilled without a partner. I never had one. I had a husband for the short term who treated me like crap, and other guys who walked away when things got serious. That has been my experience in relationships and love. Most of my life has been alone, where others have been in long term marriages that were at some point good. But, I do continue to try to fill my life up by myself.

Speaking my piece of crap exH. We went to the post office to do our D's passport. ExH was being his usual d!ckhed self, insulting me thinking it was funny. The guy doing our passport could see what as A he was being and kept standing up for me. I finally started biting back with witty remarks and every time I did, the guy would start cracking up.

My mistakes will haunt me for the rest of my life.

Back at work. Just trying to make it through eachday.