Thanks for the insight. I get what you all are saying and I feel myself getting antsy. I feel myself wanting to seek reassurance from him. He told the C when we went last week that a few days after C I have to ask him questions and want answers on his commitment. I haven't done that but I'm sure he's waiting for it.
After I had the baby he was doing things and stopped. I would like to get back to that point. Things weren't great by any means but he was much closer to me and more engaged.
I'm fine with giving more but am I not supposed to be pursuing? I don't want to pursue if I'm not supposed to but part of me thinks that's what he needs from me?
For example, yesterday I made him lunch and bought his favorite drink put it in a cup with ice and set it up outside for him while he worked on the boat.
Last night I didn't ask when he was coming in even though it was late I just let him know I had made him dinner and that it was inside. Today I didn't do any of those things but I figured since he has been the one kissing me fist I just went up and gave him a kiss and told him I loved him. He said ILY too and gave me a hug.
Gosh, I am a little slow on some things here on the boards. I am so sorry you are back. However, I wanted to congratulate you on the new baby! I looooooove that baby smell and that face they make when they smile in their sleep. Sigh. Swoon.
Do the best you can. I don't know what is going to happen, however, I do know that you are a great lady and you will be okay. I can only imagine how stressful this must be at this time. However, hang in there.
Sending you a hug!
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Nice to hear from you. I hope you and your probably not so little ones are doing well. The baby is perfect. The boys and I love him so much and he is such a perfect addition for us.
I think I'm bowing out ... checked the phone bill after yesterday and found H has been calling an apartment complex and his bank.
School started back for me today. I'm emotional enough leaving my 5 week old. I don't need this. I am wasting my time pining for his affection when he doesn't have it to give to me. If you can't love me when I'm pregnant and after I have delivered our baby then it's futile. He's made no effort in the almost week since we went to the C. He didn't do anything he said he would and here's I am pulling all the weight while managing the boys and a baby and school.
The one thing I asked for him today was to take our oldest to soccer. He said he would. Do you think he came home in time to take him? No ... he's checked out and it's time to let him go. I'm sad and heartbroken and do t want to picture my life without him but I'm wasting my time thinking he's going to come around.
Thanks everyone for your patience with me. I am so grateful.
TO, if that is your decision then do it and don't second guess it. Don't keep yourself in some miserable place where you convince yourself of something and then doubt it over and over again.
I read something today TO and thought of you. It was about how, in uncertain situations we feel desperate for absolutes and certainty. It is a human response to fear.
You are doing this I think and rather than seeking someone from him, can you just notice the pattern and remain non- reactive?
Him looking at banks doesn't mean you need to do anything. If he wants to move out, sit back and let him get on with it. He may or he may not...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I spent the day getting everything ready to leave the baby at home. I am very emotional to leave him. My dad will be watching So I know he's in good hands and I've taught the boys everything over the last couple weeks. They can change him bathe him dress him burp him etc independently (with me watching of course)
I spoke with the C today. I told him what was going on and cancelled our appointment.
The C said I had two options - kick him out and file for D or be positive, don't have R talks and see where it goes.
He thinks H didn't initiate anything he asked of him because he was testing me. H has said over and over to c that I can't go a week without have to talk or needing reassurance. So C thinks he was testing me and when I. Fail he can say see she messed up that's why I didn't do XYZ.
He said things don't sound good but is confused as to why H still sleeps in the bedroom kisses me and says ILY but acts cold and distant.
I did have a talk with H yesterday. He shut down like he always does that he doesn't know anymore and he's not going to live like this. He didn't say he was done but just said he doesn't want to talk about this anymore.
I have a lot of anxiety from last time. I've talked about it with C and H. c has tried t help H understand. I replay everything from last time back to this time. H up and left one day and just never came home from work. I have that anxiety everyday and worse when I see he's calling apartments.
I don't know how to get out of this cycle of needing to know before the shoe drops. If H isn't done I know I am shooting myself i. The foot because I believe nothing he says or does and think he is deceiving me with every word out of his mouth. I know he picks up on this.
So after all of that yesterday I've gone quiet with him. I did my own thing last night. The boys and I went to the beach and swimming today. I just wanted to enjoy my last day before back to school. We were supposed to be going out of town this weekend but H said last night he wasn't going anymore. I'm not sure I'll go alone with 3 kids but we will see how tired I'm feeling from the next couple of days. I'll be gone for 12-13 hours a day. I'm sad just typing that out that I'll miss the baby and my boys that long.
I almost feel like school will be good for me. H will go to the back burner which is how we got here. My mom said I need to let him miss me... maybe me being gone and too busy to worry about him will allow him to do so.
I am sad and heart broken of course but the only thing I know is that he will regret his decision in the future. But my non negotiable is if he leaves he cannot come back again. He knew this from when we R last time.
Thanks everyone for checking on me. Keep your fingers crossed for me that I don't cry like a baby in between seeing patients tomorrow
Although the baby will be in good hands, it is one of the hardest things for a mother to leave her newborn.
I had written out a lengthy post yesterday, and when I read your last post, I decided to delete mine. I am here in your corner, and I want the best for you and your precious children.
I see you repeating the same actions (relationship talk) and it is not the solution. I use to choose the same way to deal with issues in my MR, and I could see my H shut down when I opened my mouth. I honestly did not know how to work on a M issue without discussing it first. Calmly talking about the issues was the living picture I saw between my parents and grandparents. That was the solution for them, but it just did not work in my own MR. And guess what? I continued doing the same thing and expecting different results!
I think the first advice I started receiving from the board was that I could not change anyone but myself. It was NOT what I wanted to hear! I would bash my H even more, and the board members continued to tell me the same message.
You have a serious problem in your M. You know what you want from your H, and you continue using the same method trying to get your H to give you what you want. ((TO)) I do think you are shooting yourself in the foot every time you approach him to get what you want. He shuts down a little more each time you say something to him about the M.
I see one of three options for you. ( Maybe someone else can offer a better solution). 1) You apply Drop the Rope Technique. 2) You kick him out. 3) You focus on the one person you have power to change, and you stop using the non-solution behavior/actions.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I'm getting feeding the baby and super emotional this morning so bear with me. ...
I know my dad will take good care of him I just don't want to leave him. I've never left them so young before. I know he will be okay.
I know I have to stop talking to H. About anything really. Just when I saw he was calling for apartments last week and called his bank for a long time afterward it sent me in a downward spiral because I hadn't discussed anything with him R related and was being nice and attentive - the most I had been since BD.
When I asked H about the apartment he denied it so I have to prepare myself for him to do it without notice. Him being here in the home I don't feel like he's leaving and besides finding the apartment I would never think he was.
He still kisses me multiple times a day says ILY I know that's not a M but H wouldn't do that if he was done and he knows if he leaves it's over. Not trying to make myself feel better just trying to understand the apartment [censored].
Anyway last night I gave him the baby and went in my room and shut the door and cried to my mom. He was being pretty cold when he came home even when I try and just be nice. I had made dinner packed lunches etc. anyway, he ended up walking in and saw me crying. He turned around and walked out. Then he was talkativeaskibg mequestuons. I was pretty quiet the rest of the night. The boys asked us to play a game on box so we all did then I went to bed and he went and worked out.
My grandma is convinced someone is paying Attention to him at work. I had moved past that but now I'm thinking she's right. He styles his hair now. Working out again. Started taking injections to help his physique which he's never done.
At this moment I'm not going to kick him out and I'm goi g to try and drop the rope. It's going to be so hard to let him go but I know it's what I have to do.
