Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 10

[skyhigh]

I totally get as it's more easy to be detached while being away from them because while they are here even if we are detached we still need to control our emotions and reactions. Being detached doesn't stop us from anger or sorrow but like you said we learned on how not to act upon them and not to let them go further into our mind/heart.

It's obvious that your H is still very ambivalent in his behavior (texting other women, not really caring for you when you are not feeling well...), it doesn't care about the boundaries that you asked, and somehow you didn't really enforce them, so why do you want him to change? He has his cake and he can eat too. He is is nice for a few days when you catch him doing something "not nice or appropriate" then he goes back to his old way, it seems he just wants to make just to have his power back on you and then here he goes again. Sorry for the 4'X4'.

Now, it takes time for the MLCers to change but unless they show little by little but steady improvement, you should start to be concerned to his real will to commit to your relationship. If you had to assess his behavior/position now in regard of 4/5 months ago, what conclusions do you think you would come up with? Only you can answer that question?

In the past when your guts were telling you something, were they wrong or right? I have to admit my guts usually were right, but I dismissed them a lot until I decided to listen to them. What are those little red flags or those unseen feelings bothering you? Don't dismiss them, try to look at them with a rational mind, like a detective. Remember they lied to us, so even if you ask a question, don't take his answer as the "right" one. If you feel something is not right, you might be right.

Kids are very sensitive to the mood of their parents, I stayed at first for the kids after OW2 (I was done with him and kind of disgusted) and I stated my boundaries and the consequences in a very clear manner since he said he was going to change (I was more than skeptical and I had no trust at all). After a while, he showed that he was really changing and not going back to his old behavior (I was still very skeptical and experiencing those anger waves, still zero trust in him), then I decided to stay because his changes had positive effects on our relationship and the kids. Is everything perfect? No, but there are much better than the last 5/7 years. If he didn't have changed I would probably have filed, because living with somebody that is not respectful and you cannot trust, is not sustainable in the long run, it wears you down mentally, walking on egg shells and accepting "bad" behavior is not a good example for the kids, it brings down the road issues about self esteem and how you want to be treated. Remember kids model what they experience and see, so if one model is not "appropriate", it might become an issue very quickly and it's best to remove that negative model. Here again, only you can judge and assess your situation and how it might impact your family.

May be the best way, it's to give yourself a dateline and have a conversation about your expectations in a very clear manner, after that assess his reactions/words/decisions and decide what is the best for you. I know my H started to change (wake up call) only because he knew that I was done, really done and unless he was going to change for good not for a few months, I was going to file, I told him I had already a lawyer and everything set up... He couldn't manipulate me anymore with feelings, his power/influence on me was gone, I stood up for my dignity and my rights. Something in me was so determined that he understood that was for real and words were not going to work, only real changes and actions. That's just my story, each story is different.

Sometimes you need to be ready to let it go fully to have changes to happen and if they doh't happen it means that you are better without that person. Don't aim for less than what you deserve, always aim high.

Hope you, you are not too mad at me but I talked to you as my dear friends talked to me when I was in the "hole" of despair or didn't know what to do. They walked me through each steps, they didn't tell me what to do, they just open my eyes and my mind on little things and let me draw my own conclusions, they push me to brainstorm my feelings and my position on different subjects, they supported me through whatever my choices were (knowing it was my life and not their, even if they went though that ordeal too). They listened to me when I was exploring my options and they made sure that my critical thinking was on.