First time here, part 3

[PsySara]

Leah,
I did something similar to your plan/fantasy. I got off work early one day and drove over to WH's job and texted him from the lobby of his hospital. He texted back he didn't want to see me and asked me to go home. I stood there in the lobby deeply humiliated and feeling more rejected. The fact is that when Walk-aways and WS are in their selfish groove it pushes them further away when we pursue. Instead of looking strong we come across weak and pathetic. It also just heaps on guilt to the other spouse and that makes them run faster. Please understand I am sharing my shame and mistakes because I don't want you making the same ones. I wish I had been as good as you at NC early in my journey. Instead I pursued with a vengeance and it had the opposite of the desired result. Now I have a WH who I feel has "settled" for me but is unwilling to do anything I need to rebuild trust. If I had been better at NC and chasing myself instead of him I think it would have had more of an eye opening effect on him. It would have made me more confident and secure, that's for sure. Detachment is a process not an end goal. It means getting rid of co-dependent behaviors and building healthy coping skills. It took us a lifetime to learn bad behavior so it's going to take a bit of time to restructure ourselves. Just keep swimming!