Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 10

[PsySara]

Sky,
Thank you for the constructive comments, it really helps when someone points out progress as sometimes it feels like I haven't really made any. Today my stomach is a ball of nerves because I am going home and detachment is always more difficult with WH in my presence.

Leah,
I still have roller coaster feelings but the difference is I have learned not to jump and react to my feelings. Feelings are transient and if you sit on them for a bit then they pass. This weekend is case in point. While I am with friends and doing things I don't even think of the disaster that became my marriage, but now that I am going back home I am back to an anxious ball.

This weekend has been a blessing and a curse. Seeing my friend was sort of a pivotal point in my mind. His wife was by his bed (and has been for months now) and you can see the love between them. Of course I went back to the last 1.5 years while I was being hospitalized for my heart and WH's barely emotional presence during that time. I also started thinking about the fact that I am 40 years old, still have my looks and energy and how I am not sure if I want to gamble that away while waiting for WH to come around and be the husband I need. I am extremely close to becoming a WAS. I have even pictured sitting down with WH and telling him I am going to file and we need to start discussing the logistics of divorce. I am >thisclose< and only the thought of the pain it may cause the kids holds me back. Frankly I feel they are already experiencing pain from our dysfunctional marriage so it seems 6 of 1, half a dozen of the other. So talk to me, my friends. Tell me why I should not do this. I am just so exhausted from waiting on WH to show true, deep remorse. He still does not go to IC, will not go to MC, doesn't even read any books. He has poor boundaries and I have this deep feeling he will cheat again in the future because he has not examined and repaired what is wrong in him that makes him cheat.