Betrayed Spouse

[Sotto]

Hi Dale, I'm sorry for your current situation. And what your W said must have been hard to hear. It is common for WAS to say things like this and we call it 're-writing history.' It can help an unfaithful spouse feel more justified in their choices. And she may also want you to feel there is no hope. Or she may feel there is no hope just now. But things can and do change. They may or may not in your situation, but IMHO hope of reconciliation only fades if or when you decide to move on.

As for whether you should continue DBing. It is important to know that DBing has two facets - firstly it is a way of 'saving yourself' in extremely testing circumstances. Secondly, it is a strategy for trying to save your marriage. It is important not just to focus on the latter, because this will lead you to post things like - I have done X Y and Z and some time has passed, but she hasn't....

The thing is you have tons of control in this situation - non of that (unfortunately!!) control extends to what she does and decides. And if she chooses to believe her current infatuation with grotty OM is a fairytale and true happiness resides - well that's up to her and my guess is she may come down to earth with a bump at some point going forwards.

Something really important for you to think about are your own personal boundaries, and why you would choose to carry on kissing and holding hands 'as though' you are a couple when (in effect and sorry if this stings) she has told you the R is over and she is someone else's girlfriend.

Actually, I'm quite sure my XH would have continued some kind of R with me, whilst he continued his liaison with OW. The last time he saw me (2.5 years ago) he said he felt swept away with love for me and wanted to hold my hand. But, some time after that meeting, I found that he had secret plans to visit OW that weekend. In any case, I had told him there would be no prospect of any R with me whilst he chose to continue seeing a third party.

In one phone call, he started to moan to me that OW wasn't being nice to him. I stopped him right there and told him - I'm your wife and I really don't want hear your complaints about your girlfriend. It did stop him in his tracks and he never did that again. And actually we never did reconcile. But, you know what? From a self-respect POV I never regretted doing any of those things and looking after myself in that horrible situation. For my relationship with me is more important than any R with anyone else.

So, focus on the primary point of DBing - save yourself. Make some plans and leave her twisting in the wind with just OM for company and no reassurance that you may be her reliable back up plan. I promise you, that may get her attention far quicker than you waiting in the wings and willing to take her back no matter what. And if it doesn't get her attention - well, that's not really a problem, because you will have been making positive forward progress rebuilding your life after her infidelity in any case.

Good luck with everything