WAS or what 9

[roist]

Every now and then I have periods where I have had enough of limbo. I want more than my W can give. Usually I bounce back relatively quickly and continue trudging along focusing on other stuff.

My W is a great mother and a good housewife. That is great and I show/express my appreciation/gratitude for that on an on going basis. It is important to focus on the good stuff we have in our lives as many of us focus too much on what is missing. I wholeheartedly believe that is the way to live. BUT for me the part that is missing is important too in a normal healthy R. So at times I don't want to continue living like this.

At the moment I am going through one of those times. I can hear foreveryoung telling me to follow Michelles advice and tell my W I will not continue living this way indefinitely. Heck I was close to doing that this weekend. Maybe it is my path, but I wasn't in a good place so I preferred to let my mind settle.

I can see improvement in my W in many aspects of her life. She is restarting doing more stuff, being creative, expressing positively about smells/sights/memories/activities. I understand that our R is often the last piece to improve, so I should dig deeper for patience.

These down phases are fewer and farther apart than earlieriin my situation. But each time I go through them I feel bad for being in this situation without any better solutions than the previous time. I need to explore that more.

I think I got comfortable with being uncomfortable.

I miss my friend Zephyr who used to post in newcomers. His W never left either and he was ahead of me with respect to timeframe.I respected and appreciated his input as it came from someone walking a very similar path.

Normally I can keep my emotions guarded but I admit this weekend I was distant and didn't care to hide it.

So I am sharing my thoughts here as often just expressing them is enough for me to recenter myself. I believe it is possible to live a fairly full life within a marriage crisis, but maybe I am not strong enough to do so. I acknowledge I have done fairly well but still.

One thing that strikes me writing these words is that I have sat here writing such words several times before. At these times I am having an internal struggle between LBS and WAS thoughts. Having WAS thoughts helps me have empathy for her and her demons.

Thanks for listening. I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Best wishes fellow DBers