Letting the Cards Fall

[25yearsmlc]

Hey 25,

I've always been confused about the waiting vs the standing..


Standing is not waiting. Waiting is just waiting. It's like standing STILL, which is not standing.

Waiting is being stuck, not looking in the mirror to do our own work or push our comfort zones. Sometimes waiting is like hoping for a magic solution or a time machine that can undo a terrible blow, and pretend it never happened.

I think there are LBSers who use the "standing" as an excuse for waiting and for no movement on their end. Just waiting and saying "my WAS is crazy in MLC land and there's nothing I can do...so I'll just do nothing and I'll call it 'standing'".

(I am Not saying anyone here specifically is doing this, btw).

Just that in general I see a some people using their standing belief or their faith to say, in effect, I'm waiting and praying...which imo, is not getting them anywhere.

1) Fact is WE have to heal ourselves, no matter what happens. Time alone does NOT heal all wounds. It lessens the sting, at a very slow rate. Whereas Time + effort on our end, helps us heal.
Otherwise we are spinning, becoming embittered and staying stuck. Which is No growth on our end...and the one thing we should all be getting out of this horrific ordeal, is growth and some peace.

2) the odds are not with us but on the off chance that our WAS's may want to re-enter our lives down the road, AND piece, several things have to occur first. ALL of which necessitate us having improved as individuals (and thus, as partners).

3) And in the more likely scenario that the WAS does Not return, we will be so much farther down the road to healing, and moving forward b/c we will not have been waiting around for someone who is never coming back.

In short, there are only downsides to "waiting". No upsides.

Besides,

4) the WAS's are far more likely to return, if we are whole individuals NOT waiting for someone to decide if we are worthy of their commitment.

Waiting is really rough on our egos, our self esteem, and our mental health. To me, waiting hinders us from finding our own peace, our own self. Our own path.


You say waiting isn't what gains respect, love and recommit.

Waiting alone will not heal us or get us our self respect. It's our job to heal ourselves.

If we are not healed, whole individuals who KNOW we are worthy & deserving of mutual love & respect, I don't think we will get it.


If his W left, how would he not be considered "waiting" for her return if he hasn't filed for a divorce?

Hopefully He's GAL, he's detaching, he's being a great dad,

down the road he MIGHT well file for Divorce. He might have to. There's a lot more to DBing than "waiting" or Filing", imo. Since our family finances were being paid for by h 10 years ago, and b/c I had 2 girls in school, one of whom was close to graduating from high school, I had reason to not file. But I GAL big time, I changed, I healed a lot.

We reconciled. We did NOT piece well, for 2 reasons, which is that I focussed too much on reconciling alone and b/c h's mother got terminal cancer right after we reconciled so we tabled true piecing.

I wish h had explored how he could leave our home for 2 years for a fiasco, OR I had learned that h wasn't remorseful for the damage he did, but for the fiasco and embarrassment he felt. (Hard to know now, But I'm just sharing some regrets and rumination, which I prefer avoiding).

At least that's what I believe.

They tell the LBS not to move out, then they say don't wait. How is that possible to understand fully when dealing with an MLC'er?

First, I won't pretend to "understand fully" what an MLCer does. Ever.

I only address what we can do as LBSers. It's all we can control which is why I sometimes think we are wasting time researching the MLC, except to remind ourselves that we are not alone.

I think the urge to wrap our brains around the WHY?? is natural. God knows, I've done it a lot. I'm trying to remind myself of my mantra, "Don't look back, that's not where you're going." B/c in the end, really, what choice do we have?

Besides, I have spent sooooo much time trying to be in my h's head. And I realize that

a) even if I could somehow become a very accurate mind reader or even if God gave me a crystal ball into my h's head, I believe my h would not know what he felt-

or if he did, his feelings would change the next week. OR be pretty weird and inexplicable. AND

b) I don't have that crystal ball.

AND

c) I'm not sure trying to put a rational spin on irrational behavior is helpful. Or possible.


to be continued....