We are so similar in our way of thinking. When I read you, it is almost like what I would have written. What we all went through isn't easy, however there is a point where the line needs to be drawn.
To me it feels like you are poisoning yourself trying to understand why it all happened. There are days when I wonder how ex can live with another woman's kids but his own. And then I realised that I'm not the one with the issues (well we all have, but I'm cleaning my side). What I'm trying to say is that I have given up trying to understand why or what all this happened. I will never get my answers as they lie with ex, and accepting this has lifted a weight off my shoulders.
At the moment the only person who is making you unhappy is you, not ex as he has already checked out. I'm not being rude or critical but it hurts me to see you like this. I have managed to come out of it and I can tell you the sky is more much clearer and bluer than with ex.
Have you thought about changing things in your diet? I'm slowly replacing white food with wholemeal and I can tell you that it makes a hell of a difference. If you don't want AD, have tried 5HTP ( from healthshop) as it has an impact on mood? Every morning I drink a warm glass of water and half a squeezed lemon and I'm not tired. These are healthy things I have tried and they worked for me as I didn't want any AD.
From what I'm reading you are struggling with accepting what happened. Would you want to go back to your old marriage? My ex never tried to come back as he was done, but you know what even if it's hard at times I know deep down I'm better off. Once you realise this you are taking a bit step towards recovery.
It's good that you read all those information about addiction as you are learning something new, however only your ex can help himself. He has to want to. As Job said several times, youn didn't break him, so you can't help him. You need to focus on what you want. Do you want to feel like this for the rest of your life? I guess not, so write down on a piece of paper a SMART goal ( an easy one) , then write down his you are going to achieve it. The goal has to be an easy one to built your confidence up and as you set yourself some more you will get better.
I'm sorry if my 2x4 are a bit harsh but it really breaks my heart to see you like this. Please take care of yourself and your little one.
