Chapter 4 - Acting As If

[bigybiz]

Well deadline for school transfer was March 15th, W tells me on April 3. A blow for S11 - He'll be stuck at his current school for another year. W has still spending her parenting time at the house. It's easier for S16 to get his homework done etc. I try to be absent when W is here (GAL). She still helps around the house.

On Palm Sunday D21 met us at church, we went out for lunch - came back to the house where we did Love Languages quiz. Aside from being a fun activity, I'm hoping that the love language results will help the kids and I get closer.

[bigybiz]

I've been sticking to the DB coach's guidance. GAL, be strong, try to rebuild a friendship, etc etc.

W - came over on Good Friday while family and friends were over, Easter Sunday after we got back from my sister's - W came over watched a movie with the boys and I. W shared some of her current struggles at work.

Coach encouraged me to ask W to meet one on one i.e. a coffee date. Yesterday, I took the risk - W said no. I did not react, hardly responded.

I'll continue with GAL, being consistent, and roll with the punches.

[giftd]

Hey BB,
Just read through; looking back you have made progress from when you started. It hurts to not be where you really want to be (I suppose that's why we are supposed to detach).

Everything I've read says that when you start to see progress something you are doing is working. But, your W has things to work through herself and it takes time. Sometimes a no isn't a bad thing. Unfortunately her mind and feelings aren't something you can control but that doesn't mean they aren't changing. You seem to be in a pretty good place with the kids and yourself. Always work to do, but time is your friend. Make sure you see the small victories you've achieved.

You've had some great advice on here, rereading is always good when you have doubts. If you aren't already, a personal counselor is a good person to talk to as well. Mine helps me walk through the things I want to say and vent, she's also read DR and likes MWD so she knows the language I'm using and my end goals.

[bigybiz]

Ok - for the past year W has not attended teacher meetings, interviews, etc. Last week I informed her that S11 teacher emailed me about behaviour issues. Teacher suggested we meet. I told W that about the email and told her she may want to set up her own meeting with the teacher. W was insistent that she we both should be at the meeting.

I simply said, we've not been working together, I've attended all the meetings etc on my own so far. I will attend this one solo.

She asked for a copy of the email, I did "reluctantly" agree - but did send it.

This coexisting seems to persist.

[bigybiz]

Feeling really crummy today. Lots going on. I've kept my mouth shut when dealing with W. Money troubles rattle my confidence too.

[Thornton]

Make your faith bigger than your fear...

[bigybiz]

Thornton:

Thanks for your post. We are all on an up and down ride. Funny it's not fear that's my problem it's frustration. Right now, moving forward is stalled by my financial woes.

[bigybiz]

Feeling glum for the past few days. Then it hit me. We've been living separately for a year. Plus, the few convo's we have about kids, house, etc - end up in spew. I stick to business - but this time it's her bringing up the past, etc, etc.

[bigybiz]

Question: W has deep resentment that pops up - stirs the pot then she runs away. Then the cycle repeats.

Last week - I asked W for a few minutes to discuss S11 after school activities for Fall 2107 - she said yes.

Discussed bulk of the matter - she was OK with 50%. I pitched an idea I had for the other 50% - she was not OK. And that happens with the best married couples. I told her it was an idea, happy to look at other options.

Then it started. Where is the $ coming from for my idea... She does not get to see S11, S16 enough. She felt she had to leave/ I forced her the house last year, I was not giving her any options - she implied I had compromised her legal rights.

I said to her: I did not force her to leave, under Ontario law she could move back in at any time. If she wanted to discuss this we should set up a time to do this. She brought up a few related items, I said (calmly I think), I only wanted to give you a brief update on the after school program, I did not want this conversation to dissolve.

Well she left and was tense with me every interaction all week. So

I'm not going to bring it up again ( we are both avoider so, I confident she won't either).

Life is going on, it may crop up again. I'm certain that the resentment is brewing, etc, etc. It will crop up again.

How do we break this cycle? I'm happy to change my habits/patterns and I do with little impact.

We are about 85% N/C

I've tried to be business like - only handle one issue, email/text an agenda for a meeting, etc W still ignores me. I handle things on my own, resentment builds and pops up.

Any ideas on how to break this very dumb cycle?

[25yearsmlc]

Question: W has deep resentment that pops up - stirs the pot then she runs away. Then the cycle repeats.

Bigy, I found your thread!

Okay so before I speak to the big elephant in the room, (as if I really could zip thru all of it -I wish),

I do want to ask what you think your w felt when you cut her out of joining you at the conference. Did you think she'd slap her forehead and want to move back in then??

On one hand, you want her to co-parent but you feel she has fallen short in big ways (no argument there).

So when she does want to step up and when SHE IS invited to join you in a parent teacher conference (not a "better parent" teacher conference)
you punish her by forcing her to grovel and get her own appointment, or get the info thru you.

Any mother (or father) would have felt their noses rubbed in their failures then, which of course sets them back on the "convert shame into blame" routine.

Be careful what you wish for...



Last week - I asked W for a few minutes to discuss S11 after school activities for Fall 2107 - she said yes.

Discussed bulk of the matter - she was OK with 50%. I pitched an idea I had for the other 50% - she was not OK. And that happens with the best married couples. I told her it was an idea, happy to look at other options.

Then it started. Where is the $ coming from for my idea... She does not get to see S11, S16 enough. She felt she had to leave/ I forced her the house last year, I was not giving her any options - she implied I had compromised her legal rights.


any truth at all, to ^^^this? Did she consult a L?


I said to her: I did not force her to leave, under Ontario law she could move back in at any time. If she wanted to discuss this we should set up a time to do this. She brought up a few related items, I said (calmly I think), I only wanted to give you a brief update on the after school program, I did not want this conversation to dissolve.

is this "set up a time" strategy working for you? For her?

For the recon I presume you want?

Which brings me to that question...what is it, you actually want, going forward?



Well she left and was tense with me every interaction all week. So

I'm not going to bring it up again ( we are both avoider so, I confident she won't either).


have you gotten T or IC for this^^? I think if you remain conflict avoidant, which imo underlies a huge number of divorces,

are you not saying that part of your m would be the same, if you reconcile?

You need new tools for talking about everything.

My DB coach used to say "keep the road home, paved and smooth" and I agreed with that.

But I'd modify it to add , "and then in piecing, smash/climb the boulders in the path."

SOME of what you are writing is not a smooth, paved road home, but a jagged one that is sure to cut her feet.

Maybe that's something you feel is needed to be sure your w is really invested, but I think you may be making it really hard for her to want to invest. KWIM?

I'd focus on the good times together and what she CAN taste, while knowing she's not really there. Like game nights (or whatever your family bonding times were) still involving her.

SOME will say "too much cake eating!!" 2 responses. First, as my DB coach said, "to an extent, all WAS's get to cake eat for awhile b/c we want to reconcile"

(which bugged me when I first heard it but I take her point)

Secondly, having some fun together and knowing she has times away, time in which those bonding moments will not occur, is giving her something to miss. Not a stoic cold h and resentful kids to flee from.

She'll have a hard enough time admitting she f---ked up, let's not continue to remind her of maternal failures. I cannot think of a way to make a woman feel worse about herself. And I don't think that bodes well for a recon.

More likely cornering her into the need to be right, and that only feeling of being right, probably only comes, if she stays away.


Life is going on, it may crop up again. I'm certain that the resentment is brewing, etc, etc. It will crop up again.


so how will you address conflicts that ALL Lives and marriages have, better from this day forward?

How do we break this cycle? I'm happy to change my habits/patterns and I do with little impact.

We are about 85% N/C


but you are mostly N/C b/c of the conflict avoidance, correct? Isn't that a big part of how you got here in the first place?

Conflicts are Not avoided. Conflicts delayed, tend to fester and metastasize.


I've tried to be business like - only handle one issue, email/text an agenda for a meeting, etc W still ignores me. I handle things on my own, resentment builds and pops up.

Any ideas on how to break this very dumb cycle?

You need to see someone who can help you detach enough yet be authentic. Business like works for the transactional aspects, at best.

Not for authentic emotional issues. Somehow you must remain calm and not in attack mode

but you are allowed to say you are in pain, without attack, are you not?

Have you seen someone about this?