The only thing you can do is explain to D your side of things. Of course, she's so young it won't make much sense to her. But the best you can do is stay calm and apply logic to the situation. Because your W is clearly in an emotion state that's only going to continue to cause harm. I know you were cool with being friends with W, but that has to exit your mind at this moment. You can't be friends with someone who is intentionally trying to turn your D against. Especially at a time like this.
W is hurting. Badly. It's killing me. "Nice guy" screaming at me to make everything better. Heart is screaming at me that it loves two different people, and it's not especially happy about that. Brain is screaming at me that I'm in way over my head.
I love the person W used to be. I love the broken, damaged person that she is today, despite everything that she has done to me, and everything that is wrong with her.
And I love the nice girl that I've gotten to know and spent a ridiculous amount of time with over the last month. Who is trusting me not to hurt her (and if nothing else, trust is actually something I'm worthy of, and I won't let her down no matter what it costs me personally).
I'm terrible at following advice. Really, really, bad. This is a problem of my own making. I could have easily avoided ending up here if I'd listened to the people who gave me great advice.
I honestly believed W was done with me. That there was no future there. I wanted to date just to feel normal. I didn't expect to walk into what I walked into. Didn't expect to meet myself with an XX chromosome.
I am 9 years out. And I still confuse something big time and get called out on it often:
Love vs. infatuation. You are infatuated with that girl you dated. You are infatuated with the way she makes you feel and the pain she puts a Band-Aid on. By admitting your love for your W, you ARE violating this new girls trust if you are still involved with her and she doesn't know you are still in love with your wife.
Let's take her out of the equation.
And perhaps your W. Take some time to fall in love with you.
It's really not infatuation, and not a band-aid. It's ridiculous chemistry, which usually only happens in Hollywood. If you drew a venn diagram of us, it would show extreme overlap, and leave just enough difference to make things interesting. Those differences are pronounced. In other people they would lead to conflict. In this case, they just make things more interesting.
I've gone from one relationship to another before, and felt the feelings before, and it's not like that this time. Not "I love you because of how you make me feel" or "I love you because you represent something." Both of us are desperately trying to find the negatives with each other because we're not seeing them.
She also knows how I feel about W. She knows more about me than is probably healthy. I have zero defenses against her, she has zero against me. I have been more "ME" in the last month than in my entire adult life. I don't have to hide who I am, because through some quirk of fate, I've managed to meet someone like me. Never had that before. Not once in my life.
Sounds like A talk, I'm sure. But I don't think it is. The analyst in me (and he never stops analyzing. Never. EVER. Since I was a kid. Not even when I sleep) basically turns off when she's around. That's never happened. Not once in my life. When she's not around, he analyzes, and usually gives up.
Scared to death of this situation. The people who know me best are telling me to stay the course on this one, because they've never heard this before. All of them know I self sabotage, and they're screaming at me not to sabotage this.
I still hurt because W is hurting. I still feel guilty about that. Won't ever stop loving her, either. Wish I wasn't in the mess I'm in.
If the chain of events hadn't happened just so, I wouldn't be. I think I'd be poorer for that, if in a less complicated life.
One month and it's love while you love your wife also? because you aren't finding negatives in ONE MONTH?
And not sabotage what? And this is going from marriage right into a relationship. No a relationship to a relationship.
You can't be your W's savior while loving another woman.
You are one who really really needs space from ALL of it for a while. I think you need to fully get out of the mess you are in before you insert yourself in someone else's life. You had mentioned she expressed not wanting to be caught up in all of this. You aren't even divorced yet and still wanting to be your W's savior.
But I know, when things feel so good, as they do with this woman you love after one month...... you aren't going to hear that.
Just come back and read this post once in a while.
Endorphins. Seratonin. Oxytocin. All the giddy chemicals in your brain. We have all had them before. (Maybe you haven't, idunno.) That's not "all" love is about because that lasts, oh, I think, like 9-12 months tops, right? You are still a married man. And a married man with feelings, still for your spouse. You need to act like it and resolve that sitch before you go looking for love elsewhere. Anything else is unfair to all involved. Including, even, to yourself.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
I admit to myself I can't be W's savior. W has to save herself. I also know that W can probably never come home, no matter if I am with someone else or by myself. I don't know that I could ever live with her again after everything that happened. Ever trust again. That doesn't make it not hurt, though.
You'll laugh, but I reread every post since the first one every week or two to see where I was, where I am, and where I'm going. I see where I've screwed up. I'm not exactly thrilled with my progress, but I think I'm doing fairly well as a man. Weight loss continues to progress (263 this morning. According to Dr, I started at 344 not 338, so that's over 80 lbs so far). GAL goes fairly well. Trying to prevent self destructive behavior is hard, but manageable. Therapy continues to go well, I think C is happy with my progress.
I still AM screwing up, but I don't know how not to do that, because as far as inserting myself into someone's life goes, I've already done that. I can't take that back. Trying to would cause Harm. What's the upside to hurting someone I love and who loves me? I know I have trouble separating "nice guy" from "right thing to do" but walking away from this strikes me as Wrong, for more than one reason.
Not being there for W also strikes me as Wrong but THAT really isn't something I can control in any case.
I see where you're coming from. I'm intellectually honest by nature. I may be really bad at following advice, but that doesn't mean I don't listen to it, process it, and try to learn from it. My key observation here, though, is that something is Different. In a way that has never happened in my life. Don't I owe it to myself to see where that goes? No matter how I ended up here? Don't I owe it to GF to live up to the trust she's placed in me?
I don't have good answers. I go through periods of severe guilt, likely because I don't believe I deserve what's happening. And also because I'm loyal by nature. Giving up on someone makes me feel like a failure. I've never been with someone who was the mother of my child before, and that just squares the feelings. Being the cause of W's pain (if not the genesis of it) messes with me in all sorts of ways.
I just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I hope that takes me where I'm supposed to be when I'm supposed to be there.
as far as inserting myself into someone's life goes, I've already done that. I can't take that back. Trying to would cause Harm. What's the upside to hurting someone I love and who loves me? I know I have trouble separating "nice guy" from "right thing to do" but walking away from this strikes me as Wrong, for more than one reason.
My key observation here, though, is that something is Different. In a way that has never happened in my life. Don't I owe it to myself to see where that goes? No matter how I ended up here? Don't I owe it to GF to live up to the trust she's placed in me?
I imagine my ex would have written this word for word about AP. And many others on here.
To me, it reads like you were susceptible to falling for someone and have convinced yourself that this is the ONE. Look, she certainly might be and you may have gotten extremely lucky that the very first person you went out with was a perfect match. I know for me, I explained away all kinds of issues with the first few people I went out with after D. I was so low that it was so exciting to feel wanted or to feel valued that honestly, he other person could have said or done anything and Id have been head over heels.
Im hoping for the best for you though. Keep posting!
