A WW? (8)

[lt0402]

Feel like there's some closure now. Yesterday I had a 15 minute conversation with W. Listened and told her how I felt. Told her it was the last time I'd tell her I do not want this. Told her we'd never agree on the S but then I told her it's her decision and I respect her and whatever decision she makes.

Then I thanked her. I thanked her for showing me what issues I'd had last summer and helping me to become a stronger and better dad and man. I thanked her for helping me to get there. Then it was done. Now it's just taking all our stuff. Splitting it up. And moving on with life. She started pushing on defining this but I told her we needed to do it when we were less emotional. She continues to say that this is bc my D is telling W we so desperately need to be apart. W says D is miserable bc of the tension and bc of not knowing where we are moving.

Well, I spent all day with D yesterday, minus dinner (W and other S female friend took D and friend out). I asked D how everything was between us. She said good. I asked D if anything was bothering her. She said no. I asked D if anything around the move was upsetting her. She said no. D is now sitting here with her friend and myself on the couch before breakfast. Playing minecraft on the iPad and we are all laughing and talking. Does not seem like D is in a bad place right now.

W also said yesterday that I'd not changed over the past year and while I'd been nice to her over only the past two weeks, I was nothing but awful, threatening, and mean to her the past year. She only stayed bc I threatened her and forced her to stay. I've gone back and thought on this and don't believe that to be the case.

She said that she does not believe my "recent niceness" is genuine. I told her that I felt like she shunned and pushed me away the past year at every opportunity. That earlier this year I chose not to be stand offish anymore and decided I was just going to be myself. She said something about her understanding that I didn't understand how to express my feelings for her.

So with all that said , I'm very aware that W may be playing me. She seems to be spinning a story, at least with herself, about how he past year has been. Maybe it's perception. I feel like I've been her punching bag all last year and I stood there and took it and pushed back when appropriate. Maybe she viewed it all as obtainable and anger on my part. Who knows.

She pressed at the end of yesterday's conversation to let her keep D for the few weeks after we split to ease things on D. That's after she said that D would be ecstatic that we were splitting. I'm going to work to define everything before the physical split occurs. So, I'll hammer out those details this week. I'll hammer out with her what stays and goes in the house with each of us today. I'll sign my apartment lease, get the furniture we need and make that space into the warmest, most inviting home I can for D and I. And I'll keep busting my ass to makes Ds and my life awesome.

The other thing I'm 95% on is that when we physically split I'm done fighting for all 3 of us. W, at that point, is on her own. She's chosen her path. I'll respect her as the mother of my child and work with her to make Ds life awesome, but that's about all I'm willing to give. Maybe that part Is anger on my side, maybe it's ration. But if she is choosing to kick me to the curb then that's her choice to make, I've got mine to make as well.

So I'm done DBing to save my R at that point. I'll continuing DBing to make myself better though. I spent the last year DBing to save my family, but mainly I'm learning, to save myself. I feel great about my changes and I look forward to the future. Still in the emotional swings as this things grinds to an end but I see the light at the end of the tunnel now. I know that it's daylight and not a train speeding at me now.

Oh, and on a side note, w is sharing with D and friend that someone keeps trying to hack into her instagram account and she has no pictures on there. I'm assuming that's pointed at me bc w believes I'm "keeping tabs" on her. It just highlights how much less stress there will be when this thing settles. I will miss my W. I've loved her more than anything. I will miss my family. I thought I was our protector all these years, but in the end I could not hold the line. But I know fought for this thing and can live with myself, even in this failure.

Next few weeks should be interesting at least.