First time here, part 3

[leahsue]

Just some random thoughts this morning....
This weekend has been harder than I thought it would be. I think because I did not plan enough GAL to do on my own, since the plan was for H to be here. I had spent so much time planning things to keep US busy, then when the visit got canceled, most of those things wouldn't work for just me. So I've had way too much alone time, which usually leads to sadness. I'm going to try and step it up today. I don't have trouble making new friends, but I'm having trouble figuring out where to meet them. All the groups I look into so far are either senior citizen groups, or young single adults who want relationships. Really all I want are people to do fun things with in a group. I'll keep looking.

I did have some rather drastic thoughts this morning about just bringing this whole thing to a conclusion- I considered just getting on a plane today, checking into a hotel near H's apt., maybe watch for a day or so, or maybe just walk right up to him. That could either go very positively, or horribly bad.

So many friends have said to me, well I wouldn't just be sitting here waiting for him to make all the decisions about your relationship-I'd be in his face, demanding answers, calling him out,..... but that's just not me. For me to just show up and see him face to face would be the most dramatic 180 I could ever do. He would be shocked. But maybe I would be also, and not in a good way.

I've had NC since I told him the new dates of his visit wouldn't work for me. I don't know if he'll keep those dates and come anyway, or re-schedule, or just let the ticket go. He will have to be the one to decide that though, then if the times work out for me to see him, I will.

If I'd ever been given the magical gift of mind-reading, this would be a great time to use it.