Your post concerns me in 2 respects (but makes me happy in other ways, too!)
The concerns are 1) that you are putting your happiness on hold, which I can only assume also happened before, when here.
Relative to my timeline and experience, both of your R's were not very long. (sorry if that offends) and neither were committed marriages.
I'm not offended 25. My place here was always as observer to those that fought the good fight to have something I never had but longed for. You are right. My relationship life and exposure to physical and emotional intimacy came late in life. I was 35 and very healing from a pretty lonely isolated childhood, adolescence and young adulthood. I dated extensively in my 30's. So I have my experience there, where you have it marriage. Dating does not scare me at all. See we all have our experience in something
2) there's something that sounds...not sure of the word, but maybe "incomplete"??
Please, make no mistake, I know you have grown.
I have some well intended questions for you, since you seem to be asking the generic ones...okay? Here goes...
How much time have you two spent together , consecutively? Given the honeymoon phase of all new R's, isn't that pretty important?
I am loathed to declare the actual time for fear of judgement. I feel defended in responding but I will be honest. the longest of any period we have spent together is two weeks. We do however Facetime for between 1-2 hours every night and between 4-7 hours on a weekend, depending on the weekend
How much age difference is there and how are his children doing? How recent was the divorce and how long were they m?
There is two years age difference between us. The divorce well that has turned out to be complicated matter and to be perfectly honest not the details of mine to share. Let's say it is ongoing and from my view likely not resolving any time soon. His children well they are older late teens early 20's and I think restrained in expressing to much about their family breaking up and parents separating. They are obviously loyal and protective of their parents. My personal sense is they know and feel more than they express.
Why did he really divorce his wife? she was unwilling to end her affair.
It's easy - oh so easy to demonize an ex wife. God only knows what my h has said to his OW. I have no reason to demonize his ex. I have not desire to do so. For sure her decisions and behaviours impact us greatly. But we, I have no control over her.
I imagine not a single word about my being in the hospital ICU while they were together...and then he left me alone, unable to drive or bathe and while very impaired...yeah, I'm sure he failed to mention that.
I'm sure he didn't mention the incredibly long period of deceit in which I did NOT know he was "so miserable" and "had not been happy for X years..." In fact, we were interviewed a year ago, for having a "wonderful long term marriage"...on national TV...
You are smart enough to know that a WAH has a very different narrative than the mother of his children. IF his children are old enough to be out of the house, and are yet are not close to him...for me, that's a red flag. There is only so much an angry ex wife can say or do to change their vision...
ANYHOW...
I read this elsewhere and I'll just post it for you to consider.
***Marriage is not about two people completing each other! A secure marriage is built on two complete individuals coming together to share each other’s lives; being whole is the job of the individual.***
Make sense? So, Why are you waiting to be happy, until if and when he's around? What are you bringing to the table if you are not "complete" without him? Why aren't you happy, now? I think this is the crux 25. I am happy. In the relationship aspect of my life I couldn't be happier. I feel at ease and contented. Yet I am un-contented with myself. I don't know where to put my energies, my days are tasked with the everyday. My job is great, I have some momentum in my career, a recent promotion of sorts; my living situation exploded recently as living with family - I am unsettled and uncertain as to what is next- this I think is providing me with more anxiety than I think. There is a certain feeling of limbo that is pervading. It's unsettling to me
IS there the possibility that being with THIS guy, means you are destined to avoid the full on intimacy and real commitment that would come with marriage or a full time committed r? I have been careful not to get caught up in the smoke and mirrors of online long distance relationships . I understand all too well the traps of doing so. Time will be the testament to answering your question. From everything I have seen and feel I can attest to believing this man's ability to commitment and engage in intimacy has been apparent to me on a daily basis for 18 months. He stayed in a 20 year marriage for a reason and attempted to heal his marriage for two years with no success.
Okay yikes, I know that's^^^ a lot to ponder.
Keep at it and I promise to go easier next time. I think you are wise to be asking questions of yourself - indeed, we'd all be crazy not to question our next r's. I believe what your questions have shown me, is my crisis is not about my relationship but about ME. I don't feel like the weak submissive girlfriend I have been in the past. I see myself as woman separate from the role of partner or hope girlfriend desiring to be a wife. The last three years have allowed me to see myself in my fullness warts and all, broken bits included. But who is this new person?
My T hammered me to "NOT Marry the first guy i date" as it's too reactive. She really pressed me on that.
Almost makes me afraid to date b/c apparently I am not going to marry the first 2-3+ guys! Don't be afraid 25, dating is an adventure if you let it be, and if want to find out who you are and where you need to grow, it will show you. Rule of thumb let people show you who they and don't invest in them until they do.
