So this is how the story goes; three years ago the man I thought I would spend my forever with, the man who I thought I would have been engaged to this year or even married to this year ended our relationship, suddenly and unexpectedly when I fell into a deep depression which had me feeling suicidal. I found this site and many good friends who breathed life back into me.
So here I am three years older and with someone new. He really is the perfect fit for me in most if not all ways. Our relationship is not perfect, it is real with many ups and downs and barriers and great joys and he contributes a level and happiness I have never experienced in my adult life. I love him, respect him, adore and I believe I accept him. I feel unconditionally loved and accepted for the first time in my life, and feel his unquestionable commitment to me. Something I never experienced in my previous relationships.
The challenges of our relationship include a long distance his northern hemisphere to my southern. We have maintained our relationship over almost 18 months daily facetime and three monthly visits make this work. The challenge right now are visas and work. Will we ever be in the same country together?
There is his young adult children adapting to their parents divorce and an ex wife, who didn't want him, but doesn't want anyone else to have him. All this we manage; I manage 90% of the time. I am frustrated and angry, sad and doubtful the other 5% of the time, the other 5% dealing with all the FOO issues and relationship baggage that I bring. Somewhere in there we deal with his baggage and other stuff too.
If you know my story you will know that happiness in life as been elusive to me and contributed to the breakdown of my previous relationship. I can honestly say hand on heart I am happy and this new man and this site and MWD contributed to my ability to feel and live in a state of happiness.
So having said all that I am feeling lost, directionless and uncertain of myself in relation to the future I am anticipating with this gorgeous man. I keep coming back to the question who am I as wait to be with him. Fortune indicates that it is likely another 12 to 24 months away that we can be together.
I feel I have become fixated on a me and life is 2 years away. Who and what do I do in the meantime? I have no motivation for the here and now, no motivation for myself right now. I feel this is the same mistake I have made through my previous relationship so focussed on the future I could never be in my present.
I feel so jumbled in myself. I am the best version of myself; I grew from losing my relationship; from DBing; I am better partner with my new man but know I am far from being the person I want to be. I am overwhelmed and lost. How do I step into my own skin and feel myself in the here and now?
I can't describe what I am searching from, what I am feeling lost in. I have everything I ever wanted, delayed slightly in its final presentation ( to be with my love full time building a life together), so why do I feel so lost and empty????
