Haha no I am a man. But I am not a stereotypical male (although some of the traits slipped into my behavior: the yelling at tv during sports, yelling cars, the wanting to watch a game rather than do something with her). Initially I decided to stop watching sports but that was not authentic she even told me that I should watch games. So I did and have been way more calm watching them. But those things don't define me...it's more of an escape. But I did go a little overboard. And now I just want to do more things with her...but of course she isn't there (yet? ever?).
Her comments about legs was that they looked like they got some muscles. We both had been working on getting healthy, we ran a lot of races together and it was a blast but at some point she got injured. Initially I kept going to races until I realized she wanted to do them with me. I kind of gained some weight back which scared me and scared her. But she is also dealing with negative body issues and calls herself fat. But after my pants didn't fit and I had to buy new ones I made a commitment to get healthier again. So I got a fitbit and like so many things I got obsessive on walking every hour, sometimes even running around the living room. But she has been commenting all this time about how I look good and looks like I lost weight. And how she said even though she is not IL with me that she still cares about me.
Don't be impressed. I am very late in acknowledging my flaws. The thing was that I blamed her for being angry and not caring about me and not appreciating what I did. I was too blind. (The real irony is that I actually teach about marriage and relationships...but like I heard from a former student: we are often so good at helping others and not applying these things to ourselves. As I told my wife...that we messed this up over the years and she tried to address issues and I was always afraid to open up wounds and things seemed to always get back to a balance. Looking back I see so many small moments where I just didn't stop to think for a second. Things I recommend my students to do I didn't do. Or took for granted. Or just thought well this is how we work.)
Welp. Your warning for explaining things is on point....It didn't help that I wrote lengthy emails explaining that I was changing. I stopped doing that after her reaction to them was mostly cold and negative. She did say I hope you are doing it for yourself. I decided to write letters because I always seemed to say the wrong things. I haven't written anything for two weeks or so and not told her ILY. It's been extremely hard but by doing it I have seen the most progress in her seeking ME out. I did in these letters say that I know it will take time for her to see these changes and that she may never get there. But of course I now see that was still me trying to force a reaction. I was also worried that with no real intimacy that it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy to confirm her feelings that we are friends. So I wrote that as well. She saw that as me asking for sex. But like I said I haven't done any of that in two weeks.
I have been trying to do my own thing (I suppose that is the GAL) but it is also hard. I am trying to not always clean up but sometimes it's just so easy to do it. Like this morning I decided to make us breakfast and she said I am a great cook and that it surprises her I am not confident in my own skills. But when I was doing that I cleaned up the sink and she commented that she could do those things too but just not right now. But I am trying to be authentic. Normally I would have already started brewing coffee for us to have ready for the coming week. I would have done some loads of laundry etc. She just seemed so exhausted and it really wasn't that much to do.
I am not the most patient person...so I think that is been the biggest shock to her that I probably do seem more patient. I am not convinced I fully succeed at it yet but I definitely have been more okay with just waiting.
So okay. Last night after I wrote my reply...it was about 11:30pm here and I saw she woke up from her nap (since we got home from work) and when I walked by and looked inside the room. She was a bit irritated (she did JUST wake up) and said: what? And I asked if she was hungry. She said yes and sighed. Since I didn't want to start an argument I walked away. She closed her door and then later asked if I wanted to order pizza since we hadn't eaten. After I placed the order. She suddenly opened her door and walked into "my" (hate saying that, especially since it's the nicer one) room with tears. And I asked what was wrong. She said you know what is wrong. Leaned over to me and let me hug her. Then she got up and went somewhere. I had to leave to do something and we met in the hallway and she stood there for a second before hugging me and grabbing me tight. She said it's not easy. And I said something like I know it isn't but that everything will be alright regardless what happens (I think I said that second part but sometimes I think things and don't say them). The pizza came and we watched some things and laughed.
Then this morning she went into my bed and asked how I was feeling (we both have been dealing with some allergies) and if I had any plans for the day. Then she said that she kind of wants to do something during this longer weekend. I suggested going to one of the parks since she had mentioned wanting to do that. But she said it's too late for today and it's going to get packed.
So that is where I am at. I just don't know if she is determined to leave and just hates the consequences that she will be in much dire financial situation OR if she is desperately trying to get her feelings for me back. OR if she really just wants the M to be different. I think me telling her that I want a new marriage WITH her gave her some perspective that I am not just going to be happy the way it used to be. But it's hard to figure out what to do. My gut tells me to keep the LRT going but my heart tells me to hug her and kiss her. But I am trying to not do that until SHE says she wants us to work on it. Or SHE wants to stay. So far the closest has been that she mentions a potential future together but that she doesn't feel it right now.
Oh. You asked about work. Yes, she has been coming by for lunch. Yesterday she mentioned: wait, I cannot just come here, are you okay with me being here. Most of the communication during the day SHE initiates although we know a lot of the same people so sometimes I have to share something with her. Only other communication I initiate there is: how is the day going especially when she had mentioned having a lot of appointments.
The DR book arrives tomorrow. I am a little worried she will see the package but there is a cook book in it so it will likely be alright. I did leave another book about transforming marriage on the table when she got back from her trip two weeks ago...I kind of forgot it was there but she pointed out that she had read a list online with signs why people divorce that one of the authors had written. But my fear is that she will see this as me not being genuine. On the other hand, she knows I read a lot online for all sorts of topics so it wouldn't surprise her that I would try to improve myself. But my objective is to show her that I am still myself.
