Here again part 6

[25yearsmlc]

Glad you started a new thread as I still, somehow, don't know how.

((AND Yes I know people have told me and I can just go back and read the instructions and I must have ADD or be resistant, etc - I'll work on it))

Back to you...

I'm pondering. Just wanted you to know I'm here.

Oh, and here is something for you that reminded me of a "fake it till you make it" deal. B/c these 2 weeks are what your h will have in his mind IF he leaves

and you don't want it to be you grilling him or crossing your arms judging...

***


About 8 weeks before h was to leave for Alaska (the first time) he had a 4 day conference in a resort area. He asked me and our 2 d's to go with him. I could not believe it.

I thought "no way".

I balked. I mean, why fake "happy family" when the axe was going to fall soon?
I could not imagine going and rewarding him, by pretending, or letting him be in denial, ETC.

My DB coach said something very different and very wise.

1) If this is your last vacation together, why not make it a good memory for your daughters?

2) why not make it a good memory for HIM so he'd have something to MISS?

And

3) to NOT fight and NOT to get angry. IN sum, she said my anger, however "right" I felt I was, or however justified my feelings were, they were not as important as my children having a good memory with their dad and me together.

My anger was not so important but honestly, sadly, it had been something I righteously clung to for too long.

Thanks to my DB coach,

I figured, maybe I could repress my anger for FOUR days...for FOUR days I could with hold my anger and my negative feelings and suppress my fears,

for my daughters and for the possibility that h would later regret things and maybe that I might even enjoy myself.

I didn't think I would, but I thought MAYBE I could pull off having some fun with the girls and they'd have a good memory of their dad. I did not realize that I might actually begin to FEEL differently by behaving differently, but it's what happened.

Also, I'm embarrassed to admit that when I contemplated this, I sort of comforted myself with the belief that "hey, I can always be angry and mean, LATER"...so it wasn't going to cost me anything to be kind and warm or at least, neutral, for four days...

At first as we were driving there, I thought h was getting a bit nerdy telling the girls about some wild life we saw.

BUT I stopped myself and instead, CHOSE to see him in a new way and I realized that in reality, the girls were learning from their dad. And it's a good thing that h is educated and smart. (And really I was simply being fairer to h)

Why was I seeing him so negatively before? Probably B/C he'd hurt me and it probably felt like a protective thing to do.

But it was actually destructive to our m, and that's just one tiny example of how I had let my anger poison my behavior and what I showed the kids.

Anyhow, I forced myself to "neutralize" anything negative I thought or felt, and sometimes, I was able to convert it into a positive. It got easier after only a day or so. And pretty soon, H behaved in a more relaxed way. He got happier and more positive as well. We both had some laughs too. And some romantic moments too, believe it or not.

And best of all, the girls had a blast with him and me. Went up a mountain and rode horses. We count that as a very good memory. And I happen to know it was something h thought about later on.

It was about 6 months later his loneliness got to him and his calls became daily events, sometimes more than once a day.

Give yourself a day at a time with this approach, (or a "conversation at a time") and pat yourself on the back when it works.

** Turn your anger and your pain over to God and let HIM hold onto it for you. It's awfully heavy to carry all the time on your own.