25yearsmlc 10 Yrs Later I File D part 3

[25yearsmlc]

KML

I know what you mean about the kids waiting for the other shoe to drop after a recon. Other than increased income, my perception was also that there was more security & stability for them by reconciling. We stayed in their childhood home, another 7 years and that has to count for something. But there was stress in the house and now h remembers things so differently.


Today, d19 got a letter from h informing her in a very convoluted way, that he will Not be paying for her college anymore. She's finishing her sophomore year and we paid 3/4 of the other kids college,

(Our deal was that the kids would be more invested in their college and selection, if they had to pay some of their own. We put ourselves through so much schooling, it seemed fair and reasonable.)

But now h has changed the deal, unilaterally. His letter was very self serving, and as if he's sending her one rambling "here is how you can be on your own, it'll be good for you...health insurance info----here --- and hope you have enough money for tuition and blah blah blah"

WTF?

He seems to be blaming me for his not paying but he's kind of all over the place. The letter is dated a month ago, claims he "retired as of 1 April" (I note the clarity of date in his letter) and there are many lines crossed out. Unusual for him and H has very good penmanship, but the letter was sloppy and filled with facts NO 19 y/o would need or grasp. Self serving about how HE is still covering her for insurance for now...(I think??)
. How many kids that age know the difference between an HMO/PPO?

Oh and he's required by law to keep her covered, so I can't decipher the meaning...

He discusses a Veteran's program/funds that she received & qualified for, thru him, but OOPS, it might be wrong. So she might have to pay it back to the federal government!.. (What???)

He blames his refusal to pay more, on my getting spousal support which, as I've said, he totally opposes in court. And I have not gotten.


Hey, maybe the good hopeful news is that h expects to pay me spousal support???

except no, I don't think he's doing that. I think he's hiding money, income and washing his hands of me and our children...either we have been permanently replaced, or he

is operating under the assumption that "hey, they'll get over all this, in time" or "when I make money and they see me SO HAPPY and THEN it'll all be worth it" b/c I know a lot of WAS's who believe kids are resilient AND THEREFORE the departing parent will of course be forgiven.

FTR, h's dad mistreated his mom in their divorce. H always resented it but never said a word to his father.

And Truth be told, FIL is very very difficult for everyone in our family, including h. And our kids...

But now, FIL owns a mansion in Cabo San Lucas and has a stunning mountain side ranch in Washington State.

IF not for those beautiful^^ places, I seriously doubt we'd visit FIL much. Before he had those places, we rarely stayed more than a few days every few years.


My kids see great injustice and of course there IS great injustice. Heck yes, I see it too.

But as Own says, what's the difference? Well, I hear you. This post wasn't really prompted by my own brain, yet.

It's what the female lawyer said at the DivorceCare group, that struck me.

She mentioned the 2 adulterers at her firm, who are leaving their families for each other. She envious of the cheaters. She said "the [cheaters] have such a great love and will have such a soft landing, while their families will be heartbroken....."

and here in DBland, we deny that^^. I know I don't want to believe her.

Here, We say the WAS's will be haunted by the pain they have caused and tbh, I've heard of a few of them - the WAS's in real life say things like "if I'd known how much pain this A and Div would cause, I would not have done it". I have known an OW call the ex wife to ask where the WAH was, b/c she (the OW-now wife#2) couldn't find him...so the h was still cheating.

So yes, I know SOME WAS's regret their decisions. And of those who do, some will tell the LBSer and of those who tell the LBSer, some will make an effort to repair the damage they've done.

Guess we need some belief to hold onto, to believe that all will be fair and just in the end. But I know a lot of 2nd marriages (or 3rd) who don't SEEM to have much regret about leaving. They have justified it for so long they now believe it.

OR OR do we let go of that need for fairness in our eyes, and instead just address what WE are going to do and who we are going to be, from this day forward? You know, the whole "Best revenge is a life well lived"< thing?

And even if our WAS were on Mars, and could never hear of how great we were doing, we would know that we had improved the trajectory of our lives. I think that has to be enough and besides, our kids don't want us to be victims or become bitter. They are watching us and want us to be happy. No matter what...

Unfair things happen and I'm not the first woman in this position AND in the grand scheme of themes, I'm better off than 90% of women. I DO KNOW THIS.

My question was more rhetorical. Do the WAS's ever really regret their departures?

Are they haunted by inflicting pain on the people who loved them most?

My h is a fool to have left for Alaska, instead of staying in a m to a woman who was loyal and loving, with 3 children who are smart, kind and hilarious and talented. We have SO MUCH history.

I know that as I enter the dating world, I will look to see how much contact the men I'd date, have with their children.

If it's limited or non existent, that's a red flag.

((( )))