Wow Blu. I just spent several days reading everything everyone has had to say on every single post on all your threads. And I have learned SO much. I am desperately trying to detach. For myself. To heal. I have been separated for 8 months from my WH. He had an EA. And I would verbally punish him every chance I got. I didn't see it as punishment. Until now. I was just angry and thought how will he know how much he has hurt me if I don't tell him. Every chance I got I put him down and berated him. He did show remorse and sorrow. But I couldn't get over it. And I didn't see that until now. I know he felt horrible and like slime for doing it. Our relationship wasn't perfect before and had its issues. Hence him having an EA. But eventually he had enough of me berating and he left. I couldn't see his pain for my own pain. Now he has rewritten our history and has blamed me for most everything in our past. I have always told him I don't begrudge him leaving. I begrudge him for not giving our family another chance. He split up our family and didn't think twice. And I'm mad about that. I'm mad he walked out. Now I need to have peace. He has told me several times that he will not come back. Yet he refuses to sit down to hash out finances. He won't cash any of my cheques I give him for mortgage. He pays all the house bills here. He pays for my new car and insurance. He pays for my gas. We own a business together. So we see each other every day. That's hard. I still argue. He says he needs that to stop. And I'm trying. It is so hard to not be angry. He has anxiety issues. So he gets all worked up and gets angry very easily. He also carries baggage from his childhood (don't we all ) so when he gets angry and pushes my buttons I try so hard to remain calm. But I blow up. And then accuse him of having a gf. He doesn't. But it's hard to trust him. And really we are separated. He can do whatever he wants. It's none of my business. And that is what I am trying to do. I'm getting new hobbies, hanging out with my friends and decluttering my house. I'm also going to lose some weight. I'm working on becoming a better me. My gut instinct tells me that my WH will come home. He has done so many temp checks. Again I didn't know it as that until I read thru your posts. But I don't get it. He is verbally said that he isn't coming home. But so far as I know he hasn't made any move to make this separation final. We are only common in law. So actual divorce proceedings are needed. I envy your position of piecing. But I just look at my WH and think he said he doesn't want to commit another 5 years to our R let alone 2. He said if he needs to start over in his life he needs to do it now. And that breaks my heart. Seriously. My therapist says if he was serious of splitting up he would have already had the paperwork drawn up and not looked back. She thinks he is still fence sitting. Still in the fog as you vets call it. But I can't handle the back and forth anymore. I told him straight out. I do not want this separation. But if you do then I will sit back and watch you walk away. Because really. I can't fight for a relationship that he doesn't want. So I'm not giving up hope. But I need to detach and become health in my mind. So thank you. From the bottom of my heart for your honest posts. And everyone else responses. You have helped me see the real way to detach and heal.
