Advice appreciated

[Tobias]

Thanks for your response. Let me try this quote function.

Have you told us all the issues of your behavior, or is there more?

I am fairly certain I covered it: not being able to enjoy the moment, freaking out over money, angry driving, not actively listening to her. The other issues that bothered here were the fact she didn't have her own bank account (bad credit) and I always just treated our money as being for the both of us...Recently I suggested she open her own bank account which is what she wants but she hasn't acted on it. She also has an anxiety driving but now says that me not supporting her to drive was controlling. I was worried about her anxiety so I didn't mind driving her places. Of course during fights I got weak at times and said well I am always driving you places.

Oh one thing I DID leave out as well was that I was always on my phone. I forgot because this past month I had actually put it away...it has been her for quite some time who is always on her phone. I pointed it out a year or so ago and she would get mad because I was doing it too (which wasn't always the case).

What have you done to gain information in how to balance your focus on the future with appreciating life in the present? Has your W complained about you focusing on your retirement? Has she ever accused you of pinching pennies for the same reason ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^?

Well I have been okay with spending money. She hasn't complained about me focusing on retirement. But it is more when bills start adding up that I get anxious.. when it's on its own I am much easier accepting that things cost money. I regret sometimes saying that we couldn't afford her going on a trip to visit her friend (who we just visited a few months prior) and that I rather wanted to travel with her. The only other real issue that I became aware of is that when she had a health issue I would always investigate cost and how much it would cost and she saw it as me not caring about her. But previously she would point out how I am always going with her and how she appreciates it.

A few months ago she offered to work on a budget since we need to plan better and initially I was insulted because I was taking care of it and suddenly she wanted to be involved. I didn't immediately see she felt left out of these decisions.

Have you considered setting personal goals to help you in these two areas? Have you ever talked to a counselor to seek some ways in how to balance these drives you have?

Well here is where I haven't had a chance to show change. I never bothered that I was doing these chores because I wanted to make it easier on her. She saw it as me doing it without letting her help. She suggested a chore wheel during the first weekend of our recent situation but either she was gone or I was gone. I have told her I am willing to just negotiate with her who does what rather than me doing it all at once. I guess this weekend will be a test of that.

I didn't appreciate alone time and what it meant to W.

People sometimes need to be alone. I would text her or ask her questions. Or send updates. I can be a little puppy at times. She just needs a little time to recharge. If she would go with friends I would give silly updates like I just did laundry or sent her a dumb news story. I haven't done that this past month but of course we haven't been a real couple either.

What do you mean by "mess up"?

Somehow I always forgot a card to commemorate the moment. I would also buy her things she said she wanted but I was never good at being spontaneous or just figuring out what she wants. At times when I DID try she would be sad and say I didn't get what she wanted. Of course she has close friends who are really good at it.

She came back? Did she leave you? What do you mean let her laugh at it?

No this is what happens when I type quickly and don't reread what I wrote...She didn't leave...it was more that she responded with laughter... Essentially saying that she tried for years to get my attention and now I suddenly want to work on it was just funny to her.

You said you respected her alone time. She does not work a job, right? She stays at home? Why does she feel you were not respecting her alone time? How long has this been going on........about her alone time? Is it time after you come home from work, that she wants this "alone time"?

We actually work at the same place and since she doesn't drive I am her driver. But yes, essentially at different moments she likes to have some recharge time.

I just want to comment on doing 180's. You probably should not 180 everything. The most common mistake I see H's make in 180's is when he tries to take on the cooking and house chores of his SAHW. If you are the breadwinner and she is home all day......do not go home and do all her work too (unless there is something you haven't told us).

The 180 is more that I let her do her own things, I don't randomly make her bed or say ILY. Or that during arguments I just let it go now... I realized a big issue was that I wanted to be right which meant as much as I tried to not let it escalate I would get this dumb idea to be outsmarting her which of course never worked because all I said was hurtful things. I stopped doing that. I stopped contacting her for the most part and let her take the lead on that. I quit talking about the future other than suggest ways she can make it work financially to pursue her PhD.

It's when things don't go according to YOUR plan. Isn't that more accurate? I'm not picking on you, b/c I use to be the same way..........especially if I had worked hard in preparing for the "thing" to happen. Others can see us as controllers or being selfish......or even immature b/c we don't like when things don't go the way we planned. This is something we can control, and if not then talk to a counselor.

No offense taken that is exactly what it is. I realized that lately. I wasn't trying to be controlling but in many ways I was controlling. Plus she used to be agoraphobic when we met and didn't really want to leave...she recently has gotten more friends and more confidence. I thought we enjoyed binge watching Netflix or just sitting and watching dumb tv but that seems to have suddenly shifted. I don't think I missed a comment on that but I wasn't always the best listener.

Is it difficult for you to relax? Do you feel you should always be active? These issues can be very irritating for the spouse, especially if she is laid back and easy going.

Yes. But I am better at it. Funny thing was about two weeks into this situation we had concert tickets and we went and I even booked a hotel which was something she had always wanted us to do and I in fact requested late check out. I have actually been surprised how easy I am with just being a bit more patient. I would say I am impressed with myself but not unless she is back focused on us. Part of what I changed was sudden and such a change from almost seven years of marriage that I cannot blame her she is suspicious about me truly changing.

In fact, after I posted on here she blew up in my face about some comment I made saying I don't know much else about some event tomorrow and she said see there is the real you...it was all fakeness how you changed. I was really confused but I essentially said...well I don't know much else and I wasn't yet sure if I would go. At home she was a bit nicer but I decided I needed to go walk around the neighborhood so I left and she said my legs look nice and when I came back she was sleeping.

Has she said she wants a divorce? It sounds as if she wants the benefits the M provides, but she doesn't want you. p/quote]

Yes. But and here is where I should have taken it more seriously. We have been fighting on and off over the years. I always saw it as our way of addressing issues but I now realize we never addressed it. She has said she wanted to leave me for several times and then would come back and apologize or just ignore the issue. These past few weeks she keeps changing what it is she wants. I went from a divorce to a trial separation to now living in the same home but acting like roommates. From saying she doesn't see how there is anything left to saying she feels she needs to be out of the home before we can get back together to yesterday saying if we get back together it has to be different. I am trying to figure out if her still living here is ONLY because financially there are some things she needs to work out or if she wants to just see how long I keep this "act" going. Which the answer is: forever since it makes me a better person and I am finally aware of what she seems to need.

[quote] How long have you been sleeping in separate bedrooms? What started it?

Well I am not an easy sleeper. I steal the blanket and kick her at night. On a king bed that is fine but a queen it's too small so she moved out long before this recent phase. It actually brought some spice back for a bit which was also odd because she seduced me only a few nights before all of this went down.