Advice appreciated

[sandi2]

Welcome aboard. Make sure you read the homework on Cadet's post.

For years I neglected to take seriously the problems with my behavior in the marriage.

Have you told us all the issues of your behavior, or is there more?

Some of it was me not being able to enjoy small moments (I am always planning for the future

What have you done to gain information in how to balance your focus on the future with appreciating life in the present?

Has your W complained about you focusing on your retirement? Has she ever accused you of pinching pennies for the same reason ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^?

I am also always focused on chores)

I can completely relate. Maybe it's due to our personality types or how we were raised......IDK. Isn't it funny how we often marry someone who is complete opposite?

Have you considered setting personal goals to help you in these two areas? Have you ever talked to a counselor to seek some ways in how to balance these drives you have?

I didn't appreciate alone time and what it meant to W.

Please clarify.

I was bad with gifts and always seemed to mess up (her love language is gifts, mine is service).

What do you mean by "mess up"?

When the last time we had an explosive fight she came back and unlike other times we didn't seem to reconcile. I went into a full on let's fight for this marriage mode which let her to laugh at it.

She came back? Did she leave you? What do you mean let her laugh at it?

You said you respected her alone time. She does not work a job, right? She stays at home? Why does she feel you were not respecting her alone time? How long has this been going on........about her alone time? Is it time after you come home from work, that she wants this "alone time"?

I just want to comment on doing 180's. You probably should not 180 everything. The most common mistake I see H's make in 180's is when he tries to take on the cooking and house chores of his SAHW. If you are the breadwinner and she is home all day......do not go home and do all her work too (unless there is something you haven't told us).

but since I put so many things in routines and I get anxious when things don't go according to plan.

It's when things don't go according to YOUR plan. Isn't that more accurate? I'm not picking on you, b/c I use to be the same way..........especially if I had worked hard in preparing for the "thing" to happen. Others can see us as controllers or being selfish......or even immature b/c we don't like when things don't go the way we planned. This is something we can control, and if not then talk to a counselor.

Is it difficult for you to relax? Do you feel you should always be active? These issues can be very irritating for the spouse, especially if she is laid back and easy going.

After doing some internet research I came across several places that all suggested the LRT or variations thereof. It made sense to me to stop the chase since she is conflicted about her feelings and working on myself made a lot of sense.

Has she said she wants a divorce? It sounds as if she wants the benefits the M provides, but she doesn't want you.

How long have you been sleeping in separate bedrooms? What started it?