180man Thread 4

[180Man]

LITB,

Thanks for checking in on me -- it's no pressure at all, really, I am thankful that somebody is actually interested and cares. I know I haven't been the easiest "patient," per se, but I do appreciate all of the help everyone has given me during my time here.

I find myself not checking the boards every day or every hour like I was. The last time I was here was my last post. This is not good or bad, but I think I am finding that your statement above about time away from the boards is true.

I did have coffee last Monday with the JAG -- she even bought which was nice and completely unexpected (I was planning to buy but it was just the way it worked out). We sat and talked for probably half an hour or so. I almost spilled my coffee on her. I felt like I was a teenager again bumbling my way through a date. And it wasn't even a date. As I rushed off to get some napkins I realized...I haven't fùcked anything up...this is life, this is how this was meant to go...and maybe my clumsiness was somehow endearing to her? Yeah, okay, that last part is a stretch, haha!

I do miss my W, but I find I am not focused on it at all. Not like I was, not by a long shot. I have spent the past week putting her things into a large POD unit I asked her to have dropped at the house. When I tried to start packing her stuff into boxes four or five months ago, it was too hard. I was a mess. Now it's much easier. I pickup a love letter she wrote and I put it in a box and think "She can deal with this and decide what she wants to do with it, I don't need it any more." Maybe a little passive aggressive, but she has not really had to deal with the divorce. Being absorbed in work, getting ready for a deployment, possibly continuing an affair...she hasn't had time to really work through this like I have. Maybe she never will, I don't know. But if I have to go through every box, cabinet, and folder in the house and filter out anything with her or our names on it, I don't feel bad about forcing her to see the same stuff at some point when she has to unpack all this crap. I will never not love her. I want her to be happy and I see now that I can't give her that happiness. Not right now at least. She needs to find her own happiness within first before she can be happy with anyone else. Which is why I believe she can't wait to get started with this deployment and leave all of her problems behind. She wants to suffer in peace, she said as much in December. I think that only once she has had sufficient alone time will she really start to find her own happiness. I hope she finds it. If she comes around a year from now or something, I'm definitely going to give it careful thought, but I'm also not going to wait for her at this point. I can't, she has sent every signal possible to tell me not to.

So...the house has been purged. I only kept a couple of things, the couch, a table, some dishes. I don't need much and I don't want anything that will remind me of us. I am starting to work on making the house my own space. Putting up artwork I like, painting, etc. I planted some tomatoes and herbs yesterday. I would like to have coffee with the JAG again next week. Maybe take her to lunch or something. I don't know her very well yet and I'm sure she has her own problems just like the rest of us, but I enjoy having a nice conversation with an adult female who has her shít together. I also feel a little less...hmm...I'm not sure how to describe it...less eclipsed by her personality than I did with my wife...or perhaps less emasculated than when I was around my wife. I'm an ENFP (about 50/50 extrovert/introvert) and my wife is definitely an extrovert. She had trouble turning it off sometimes. The whole military thing was hard for her to switch out of when the day was over. Once in a while I would have to ask her not to talk to me like one of her enlisted kids...that conversation never ended well, but the point is....I feel like I'm more on a level playing field with JAG. In fact, I suspect she is a bit of an introvert and I have to catch myself from stepping on her in conversation. I hope she will have coffee with me again -- I want to work on listening. Really listening. I want to show her AND myself that I can actually listen and stay engaged with what she's saying. It's good for me, regardless of what happens.

LITB, I hope you're doing well. Thanks again for checking on me. I don't know if I'm doing the right things or not, but I am feeling a lot better than I was six months ago. I hope this trend continues!