Hi everyone, I am new to this forum. I am going to try to be clear and succinct. I will fail miserably at both so please ask for clarifications.
For years I neglected to take seriously the problems with my behavior in the marriage. Some of it was me not being able to enjoy small moments (I am always planning for the future, and have in fact recently managed to get the retirement package swell for both of us and now when I need to sign...I am trying to delay that process as I don't know if financially it still makes sense for myself on one salary... I am also always focused on chores). I didn't appreciate alone time and what it meant to W. I was bad with gifts and always seemed to mess up (her love language is gifts, mine is service). When the last time we had an explosive fight she came back and unlike other times we didn't seem to reconcile. I went into a full on let's fight for this marriage mode which let her to laugh at it. But I also addressed several behavioral issues. I became less of an angry driver, I focused more on listening to her rather than trying to fix challenges, I respected her alone time... I bought all sort of gifts and surprises. But it all seemed to fall on deaf ears. She said it was nice and she appreciated it but she was simply not in love anymore and wished I addressed these sooner. I wrote her lengthy emails (seriously...the new war and peace was written by me in a night!) Some of it is ADD which I always had but felt I had under control...but since I put so many things in routines and I get anxious when things don't go according to plan. (She actually got me a fidget spinner after I mentioned that some of the problems come from that and how I am trying to calm down.)
After doing some internet research I came across several places that all suggested the LRT or variations thereof. It made sense to me to stop the chase since she is conflicted about her feelings and working on myself made a lot of sense.
But I don't know if that is the right step for me or if I should try to date her again. Last night she said she just wants to date and not married and my response was that I don't want this marriage either because let's face it we messed it up (I used a different word) but what I wanted was a new marriage. (True story: my planning nature had for months been working on getting a new vow ceremony with new ring for her in November when we would have known each other for 10 years..in August we will be married 7 years). She seemed surprised when I said that and replied saying that if we get back together it has to be different and cannot be what we had. So this is where I am conflicted with the LRT or if I should suggest a small date.
To give you an example of where it is conflicting. She was upset I never wanted to go to the theme parks (we live three hours from Orlando and I am the only driver) and in December I opened up one of the parks and she got excited and of course because I am an idiot I started doing the math in my head and it was getting too expensive. So earlier this week when I was out of state (her suggestion was that I deserved a trip) we spoke occasionally through text that it had been five years since we went to a park. When I got back home I suggested we go this weekend and her first answer was why and then I said well because it will be fun and I regret not going in December (she then brought up other previous incidents where I didn't act appropriately...and I agreed that I wasn't the best but am trying to change that). this was followed by me going to my bedroom (yes we now have our own bedrooms) and she followed me asking if I was okay I said yes I just want to go read. That is when the conversation on dating and marriage came up. But then this morning she mentioned how she has always wanted to go to a particular park. She says on the one hand she is done. But she also keeps bringing these things up (usually after I am just doing my own thing). So I don't know if I should push and do these things or instead just completely not react to it and continue the LRT.
This has been going on for years (our ups and downs but I was always a forgive and forget person in fights whereas W is more of the view that what you say in a fight is how you feel) but this latest phase began early to mid April. I have stopped saying ILY for over a week. I have stopped doing surprises (except when I came back from the trip to which she seemed glad I got it but a little sad because I didn't have to do that...my logic was to pull the 180...do the things I never did). I also hadn't always been good at messaging when I was away on trips and I purposefully sent her a good morning good luck today text.
As to how much time I have...I don't know. W wants to move on her own but has mentioned it will be very financially challenging. I don't know if it is a test to see if I change or if the financial worry is ALL that is keeping her but she has been more affectionate lately. Definitely trusting more in communication and the night before I left she even cuddled me in bed and suggested we could fool around. I was extremely tired and was very scared about rushing things so I just cuddled her and we dozed off and yesterday she was thankful we didn't move further. Two weeks earlier she said she misses intimacy of all sorts but that she is worried it will go back to same old routines. I desperately need hugs and kisses and confirmation that we can face this together but I understand she isn't there yet. She said yesterday that it has been nice these past few weeks without fighting but that it feels like we are old friends and not anything more. I told her that that is also because I respected her need for space. Hence my confusion as to what to do. I don't want to rush it...but I also know every situation is different and if there is a chance to heal together we should do it together as a team ASAP. But if that healing is more effective later I can wait...
W is also considering doing a PhD in a different state and has spoken in I terms as to what can be done to get there. She does use we but it's to fix up the house (that we own and need to sell) and still does nice things around the house (my love language is service and I take it as a small sign of victory that when I was gone she was cleaning). She also talks about what we need to get for me in terms of clothes. But it seems every time she gets closer she freaks out and goes back to being cold. It's why I stuck with not forcing ILY on her and keeping my distance (ending conversations before she does).
The biggest obstacle is that she is no longer real comfortable being naked around me. I think she is trying to create that as a boundary but that has been a shift. But then at other times she lays on her bed kind of waiting for me without saying that she wants to cuddle but almost hoping I say something (her eyes tell weird stories sometimes). I have been sticking with the LRT but like I said at times I am doubting the wisdom of that.
TL;DR It's clear she cares about me. She calls me very attractive and that we don't have to hate each other if the marriage is over. She has noticed positive changes. The LRT seems to work to some degree but the challenge is her seeing us as friends lately might confirm her decision that it's over. We do have a 10 year age difference but I never felt she was younger.
So any advice? (I ordered the MR book and it will arrive sunday...I ordered a cooking book just in case she sees the package as well and I recently began more cooking...something she had always wanted me to do.)
