Rising - on the other side

[adinva]

Dear RAI, hugs, you're doing such important things for your kids and I know it's hard because I was in a similar place with mine. I think two things - one is that you need to separate your goodness/victimness/identity from her. It's like you're on a balance/scale and where's she's up you're down. You will eventually get to the point where you don't define your behavior in relation to hers and the sooner the better. Just be you, do what you believe is right, and leave her sandbox to her. You'll feel better.

Second is try to loosen your grip to control things like time, clothing and artwork. It can be frustrating to think of the unfairness that they went to her on your night, and the irritation of not finding a matching outfit because half of it is at her house, and the dismay at letting any of their artwork wind up with her. This will make you crazy, irritable, and will probably impact your kids too. If you can relax, let them have the freedom to run to whichever of you they feel like at the moment (without having or expressing hurt feelings), let go of the artwork and know they'll make tons more, and handle the clothing with good humor, you will feel better and the kids will not begin to feel they need to restrict themselves to protect your feelings...believing they're responsible for your feelings could lead to codependency and possibly forming their future relationships like that. (Says one who knows from experience.)

Of all the things you mentioned, the time seems the easiest to me - it doesn't make the kids feel good to get "rules" about having to sit with the one whose night it is. Be generous and it will bode well for you.

And the clothing seems the hardest issue (to me) because it's expensive and depending on their ages they may not be capable of managing their stuff as they'll need to learn to. But the sooner they can take responsibility for their clothes, and get used to wearing something they might not want to because what they want is at the other house, the better. You can be sympathetic about their problem, but not own it. Let them figure out something else to wear. You will make yourself, and them, unhappy by trying to enforce a bought-here-stays-here rule. To them it's their clothing, not the house's clothing. If you think the X is purposefully taking the clothes and keeping them, that's all the more reason to get the kids used to packing up their own stuff and taking it to where they're going to be.

The best thing I think you could do is focus on the blessings you have, and let the hurtful and irritating things roll off your back. Venting here is fine, but like they say, what you focus on, expands.

Glad to hear you're a hot commodity! Good for you! You have a lot going for you. Relax!