**warning** the following post contains emotional nudity and unabashed self-pity. Reader discretion is advised.
It's been a while. Life as a single parent is hectic. I feel like I live from meal to meal. That said, my children are being fed and their needs - emotional and physical - are being met for the most part. Thank G-d. It has been 7 months since I have moved out. The kids are comfortable in my house and it feels like a home.
Last night was difficult for me. I have not had a lot of those in the past while, so it hit me hard. Yesterday we had an award ceremony at the kids' school. S15 was slated to receive an award so I went with children. xW was there. As soon as we arrived D8 literally ripped her hand out of mine and went to sit with xW. I was heartbroken. I know I should not take it personally, because the kids, especially the younger ones, have no clue what xW did to destroy our family. D11 was kind enough to sit with me, but towards the end of the ceremony she went off to play and I sat alone.
I am still struggling with resentment. xW pretty publicly had an A, and did a lot of other nasty things in cahoots with OM, yet people still embrace her and the kids cling to her, and I end up sitting practically by myself, sworn to secrecy, struggling in relative silence. I tried to brush it off - I hate being insecure and I know the kids love me - but I could not get past it last night. On a night when I should have been celebrating, I was cranky for the rest of the evening. I wanted to shout at D8 - tell her that she hurt my feelings terribly by running away from me on "My" night - the kids are with me on Thursdays. I wanted to tell her that I cook and clean for her, spend time with her, know her love language (quality time), and I am a great father and her mother is a fraud who only loves herself. I *HATE* seeing xW. I *HATE* seeing her act like a needy victim. She is NOT a victim. She has the house (got it for next to nothing), she has the kids affection, she has intimacy with OM - for all I know, she only works part time and gets the same salary as I do (incomes were equalized). I keep telling myself that at least I can look in the mirror every day and have no regrets over my actions. I tell myself that in the long run, I am in a MUCH better position. I try not to engage in self-pity, and I try not to make my own happiness contingent on what is happening with xW. I also want to love my children unconditionally and not expect loyalty or affection in return. I...am...just...not...there...yet. Instead, I feel like jealous resentful rejected spouse...and father. In the car ride home, D8 asked me to turn on the radio in the car, and I said no. I told her that I want to spend time with her. She said we did spend time together, and I made an oblique comment that I did not see her all night because she did not sit with me. Well, my annoyance must have showed because at bed time D8 asked me if I love her. So I sit there scratching my head wondering: how is it that D8 rejected me, and at the end of the night she is wondering whether I love her. Can she not **see** that I love her???? She broke my heart for the second time in one evening. Of course I love her! Why else would I doing everything I can for my children? Does she not see any of the sacrifice I am making? Does she not see how I bend over backwards, go to the moon and back for my kids? Has she no clue how I suffer as I mourn over the loss of the intact family? Why am I breaking my back, running around like a chicken without a head, to make sure my children have a nice home and home-cooked meals every night? Am I just feeding my own ego? Is this a covert contract with my kids: I will provide for you only if love me in return?
On a more practical, but related, note: what is the etiquette when I am attending an event which xW is also attending? May the kids sit with whomever they want or are there ground-rules or boundaries that I need to set? We have equal custody.
On an unrelated note, I have started to date a bit - only by phone, so far. It is going well and there are some prospects. A few months back, my S13 asked whether I am ever going to date and remarry. I could not gauge his thoughts and opinions on this. I was caught off guard, but told him that I would not do anything abruptly and that there would be no surprises. What prompts this question is that last night D11 saw a picture of a woman (prospective date) on my phone. She asked who it was and I mumbled "just someone, nobody really" and I quickly changed the topic. Do I tell my children that I have begun dating? Is it their business? Do the kids have a right to know? What if it gets back to xW? Dating by phone on nights when the kids are with me is difficult because I have no privacy in the house. Also, perhaps it is too soon to be dating. How does one know when one is ready? If I wait until I am completely emotionally healed, I will be an old man.
Lastly, I am struggling with keeping kids clothed. As they go back and forth between homes, the kids bring clothes back and forth. I no longer know which clothes belong to which home. For all I know, xW may be stealing clothes. Alternatively, I may be hording her clothes unknowingly. It is a question of entanglement. How can I ensure that the clothes I purchase stay at my home and vice versa. On a related note, when the kids bring home artwork from school, what is the policy?
Well, I have to say, just unloading the above has been therapeutic and cathartic.
I will end for some things for which I am thankful: It is glorious outside and I have a window in my office, facing the downtown skyline The trial is over and I am officially D I have started running again and ran 4.25 miles this week I have the rest of the day to catch up on my work My beautiful D11 knows how to make pancakes My children are healthy I seem to be a hot commodity on the dating market I have a lot of supportive friends and family
