DDj- the rejection is getting the best of me I guess. I suffered the ultimate (exH) and everything that comes after you would think is easier, but it is actually harder. But I still love with all I have. A blessing and a curse I guess. I hope I can find someone one day who is afraid of the way I love and is reciprocal.
Journaling,
I decided to drag my butt out of the house for socialization. I've gone to the gym, but I haven't really spent too much time with friends. So my BFF and I went out to dinner and then to grab a drink or two. We discussed a lot. We both approach R's and men very differently. I told her how I know FF and I cannot be together. We both know it. Everyone knows it will technically not work out for our stages in life. How as parents, we would probably warn our children against a relationship like we had. I'm just sad he seems to have just erased me and that hurts a bit. Because I think about him all the time. But I accept the loss.
I shared with her something huge I realized about myself. I am suffering from a significant depression right now. I never actually really suffered the depression part when exH left. I felt anger, betrayal shock, and I was in fight or flight. I was a new mom with a baby to raise. I just didn't have the chance to be depressed. I worked a physically and mentally demanding career. I worked nights so I pretty much had a full time career and I was a SAHM in a sense. I was angry with my ex. So angry. That was my most prominent feeling. For years I just survived putting my life together.
I had hope back then. I had hope that I would find the one who would love us and want to start a family with us. That I would go on to marry and have another baby and blend a beautiful family. I simply had hope and that's what kept me going through.
Nothing ever happened. None of the things that were supposed to ever did. I went through a string of short term dates. Dated people I knew weren't going anywhere. I have non sustained a relationship past 6 months, I rarely ever even met anyone. My lifestyle was not conducive to it at all. I mourned not having anymore children. That was a hard one for me. I talked myself into it being for the best and thought of how great it's going to be when she is 18 and I am 45. Then exNG came along and I loved him. I loved his daughter and I thought how cool. I can love someone elses child. We had a special bond. Then I lost that and I began to lose hope. I went on AD's to stop the horrible crying. It helped. But since him,I had not been right. Depressed and hopeless on some level. I joined that gym because I couldn't sit idle. I was going nuts in my house alone with my daughter every night. I love being with her, but the single mother thing is isolating. I needed to expend my energy have adult contact. it did really good for me. GAL was doing it's job even though it was just covering up the void of what I truly yearned for.
Then when I least expected it, like everyone told me it would happen. There was FF. Pursuing me. last guy I imagined due to age. And we just hit it off. And I had said "so, this is what they mean when I least expect it?" I was finally completely fulfilled. And then Poof, it was gone. ANd here I sit feeling depressed, hopeless, defeated, tired. And I have never felt this low. Even when my ex left me for another woman right after I gave birth to our miracle child.
This is just a journal. I know I will beat this. I have to. Not for me, but for my daughter. She needs her mom fully present. And I am honestly not. I am distracted and irritable. She needs me back. She knows I am not ok right now. She hugs me all the time. She's a big hugger, but even more so. I am doing all the right things, exercising, trying to get out with friends, signing up for new activities.... I am trying. Getting out last night I felt better. I laughed. I enjoyed company and a good meal. That's a good sign.
Tonight, no plans. But that's ok. I am reading a book I am really enjoying. I'm going to clean, relax, and read. Enjoy some wine and sushi. Tomorrow night I have a BBQ with some great friends. I am doing everything I need to do.
Whoever actually read this, props to you for even trying!
