After work, I went to see my son for dinner and tubby. I found it difficult to interact with her. I just wasn't in the mood. I wasn't impolite but not very interactive. Being around her is a struggle, and it's even more so when she tells me about every day things and makes jokes and laughs around me when we are going through this. It tortures me. I keep thinking it's good signs, but I have to know it's not. I would feel better if I didn't have to see her. I don't want to be her friend at the end of this. I know she is the mother of her child, but I don't think I will be capable of that.
When I was about to leave, I asked her about a friend of hers that is having a difficult pregnancy, and the topic of her and my son possibly moving into their house to help out came up and then the topic of her aggressively getting back to finding a mediator came up, so that we could figure out the next steps. The way she said it was so matter of factly, as if it wasn't a big deal for her. I couldn't even respond I was so crushed. I was crushed again because I keep holding onto hope. It's not good healthy for me.
I don't want to quit, but I don't know how much longer I can put myself through this. I want some control over this situation where I have no control. I'm struggling.
In our marriage counseling, I haven't spoken how I really feel about this situation. I feel I need to, even if it's only for my benefit. And I feel the need to tell her I need to limit my interaction with her for my benefit. And I don't want to continue the marriage counseling unless it's for the purpose of working on our marriage. While my wife wants divorce I don't see the point. I can spend the time working on myself. I almost wonder if rejecting her in this way will have some effect. Maybe it will, maybe it won't.
As I said, it was a rough day. I don't know if I'll feel the same about all of this tomorrow. But I do know that I hate my life right now and I cannot handle being in limbo, not having any control over what is going to happen.
